


Let the Wind Take Me Away

by AubreyDorst



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-01-05 00:33:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 40,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18354935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AubreyDorst/pseuds/AubreyDorst
Summary: Nesta’s life had been turned upside down once already when she had been thrown in the Cauldron. Can she survive another life-changing transformation?Nesta doesn’t think about living with wings forever when she summons Illyrian wings during one of her typical squabbles with Cassian. She just wanted the upper hand, she wanted to shock him and boy did she. But now that she can’t get rid of the wings or the grueling emotional and physical pain that comes with them, how will she survive? Who will she turn to to help her through ;)





	1. Let’s Fight

Nesta

 

The fury seemed to roll off of him in waves, crashing against her fiery soul and she swore she could have bathed in it, could spend her whole day riling him up like this. It made Nesta feel alive to fight with Cassian, to throw jabs back and forth as his insufferable smirk grew and grew. They had always been this way, pushing each other further and further until neither of them could tell hate from love and love from hate.

Nesta couldn’t have imagined it any other way, love was too pure for the likes of her. Love had always been too good for her so she had spent her life lacing it with hate, holding it back and hiding it in insults and stone-faced stares that made people quiver in fear. Hate coursed through her so freely that it seeped into every word that left her mouth, every smile that graced her face.

Nesta had never met an opponent quite like Cassian and could hardly remember how she got on in her life without him. He had always pushed back at her, parried her attacks in a way that no one had before, never afraid of her or her harsh words.

She didn’t remember what had started them off today but words quickly started to fly as they circled each other on the empty rooftop training ring at the House of wind. The set of his jaw and look in his eyes when she had found him up here told her he was rearing for a fight and she loved to indulge him. The sun was beating down on their faces, leaving the curly wisps of hair stuck to her neck with sweat.  

“You scoff at my wings and look down at me because you can’t handle how powerful I really am, how strong being an Illyrian makes me.” Cassian huffed, his eyes narrowing at her as his wings flared. The light caught them from behind and it threatened to take her breath away, how beautiful they were when the sun made them shine red and gold. “You call me a bastard to make me feel small, well it doesn’t, Nesta. It makes you seem small.”

Her eyes narrowed back at him, her gut rolling the way it always did when she went for the low blows that she knew would hurt him. But she would shut out that feeling, push away the thoughts that clawed at her to reach for him whenever he would get that hurt look in his eyes. She didn’t care for him, she couldn’t care for him. No, not in the way that someone like him deserved to be cared about. He was an insufferable prick and Nesta was sure to let him know but she couldn’t help but see them as the walls they were. They were a funhouse mirror reflection of her own cold, hard walls. She hid behind fierce words and hard stares and he hid behind snide comments and booming laughter. Still she bit out the words at him as if she couldn’t stop them. 

“Life gave you huge bat wings to match your insufferably huge ego, you prick! Maybe they should start clipping the wings of bastards so we wouldn’t have to deal with your lot!” 

“Don’t talk like you know anything about what it means for someone to lose their wings, to have their freedom stolen like that.”

Cassian prowled forward, a low growl escaping his lips. Nesta stuck her chin up, not backing down even though she knew she had gone too far. She knew it was horrible of her to even suggest that they should have clipped his wings and she fought to hide the shame that flooded through her. But she was horrible and she knew it and everyone else knew it, so she stuck to her horrible words and refused to falter. 

“You couldn’t handle it.” He barked, wings snapping back out. “You’re weak and you could only ever dream of flying and it drives you insane. That’s why you insult me at every turn, isn’t it?” 

Nesta struggled to reply, she did love flying. She loved the feel of the wind in her hair, the freeness of it. The press of his body against hers, warm and solid and safe. There was no way in hell she was going to tell him that so she bit her tongue and threw him a vulgar gesture. 

He laughed darkly and smirked at her, crossing his arms in front of him. A raised eyebrow goading her, showing her he knew she had run out of empty insults. And so the flame in her stomach lit again. 

Nesta narrowed her eyes at him, he thought she was weak, a fool. And maybe she was. Maybe she was a fool to push too far on the one person that made her feel alive in this immortal body. So she jumped into the deep chasm of her empty soul, searching for the power that the cauldron had left inside her. She used every ounce of self hatred and anger that bubbled up in her gut and imagined what it would be like to fly, to have strong wings push out of her back and beat in the air. Nesta felt herself falling and falling and grasping out for some sort of purchase to grab onto to stop the dizzying feeling but she was rooted in spot, her limbs frozen in place as her mind tumbled through the chasm of her power. A scream ripped through her mind but never left her mouth as the falling stopped and wind caught the wings that sprouted out of her back. Nesta sucked a lung full of air as the magic pushed out through her back and wide Illyrian wings flared out behind her. A lifetime squeezed into a single second as the agony ripped through her body and she balled her hands into a fist and pushed down the fire that had set her entire body ablaze. 

Cassian’s eyes bugged out of his head as he gaped at Nesta, eyes scanning her wings as his own flared in response. She lifted her chin again and tried to hide the panic in her eyes, swallowing the bile that had risen up in her throat. The wind rippled on the wings behind her and she gritted her teeth to keep herself from screaming. The pain threatened to overtake her as she pasted a fake smile on her face, she couldn’t even revel in the shock on Cassian’s face. She had delved into her power and torn her body apart just for spite, just to make Cassian mad. And she knew, right away, she was going to regret it.


	2. The Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cassian is like O.O  
> Nesta is like >.<

Cassian

 

Cassian knew Nesta was trying to rile him up and he was more than happy to indulge her in a match of wits, especially with the midday sun shining on his back and heating his wings. She looked absolutely beautiful standing there with her face pinched together, hateful words spewing from her mouth. Cassian had come to expect some sort of fight out of her almost daily and as much as the others didn’t understand, it would have been more unsettling if she had ever actually been nice to him. They had faced death together and had expended their life supply of _nice_ in that killing field with Hybern.

“Life gave you huge bat wings to match your insufferably huge ego, you prick!” She spit, her hands balling into fists at her side.”Maybe they should start clipping the wings of bastards so we wouldn’t have to deal with your lot!”

Fresh rage boiled through him at the thought of all the females who suffered through clipped wings, the life that was taken from them for being born female. He swallowed the lump in his throat and pushed the thoughts of his mother from his mind, trying to ignore the way the jab ate at him. He had fought so hard for his place in the ranks as an Illyrian bastard. He could only imagine the life he would have had if they clipped him. He didn’t want to imagine, couldn’t imagine he would even have a life if he hadn’t been able to use his wings.

“Don’t talk like you know anything about what it means for someone to lose their wings,” He barked, closing in on her until they were toe to toe, “to have their freedom stolen like that.”

He pushed away the memories of his own shredded wings in the weeks following Hybern’s throne room, of the dread that overtook him in those days that he wasn’t sure if he would ever fly again.

“You couldn’t handle it.” His wings snapping out behind him on their own accord. “You’re weak and you could only ever dream of flying and it drives you insane. That’s why you insult me at every turn, isn’t it?”

Her eyes narrowed in on him and Cassian swore he could see the cogs in her mind turning as she searched for something to reply. He took a defensive stance and let the cocky mask slide over his features.

She was fierce and sharp like steel and kept him on his toes, her power seemed to roll out of her in waves and he sometimes had to paste a shit eating grin on his face to hide the pure amazement he felt when he looked at her. He knew it was foolish to call her weak because she was nothing of the sorts, but it got her angry and he loved a good fight. It had come to be the only normal thing between them anymore, the promise that they could have a good bite at each other.

Her eyes glossed over and she looked rooted in spot as he stared at her with his arms crossed over his chest. The wind swirled around them and he cocked an eyebrow, waiting for her to come up with some retort. Pain and panic flashed through her eyes but disappeared almost instantly and before he could take another breath huge Illyrian wings spread out behind her.

His arms went slack and he didn’t even try to hide the startled look that crossed his face as his own wings flared out to mimic the wide berth of her own. His gut rolled and he couldn’t think of anything to say as he took in the shining grey of the membranous wings that now splayed behind her. Nesta‘ s chin lifted as her eyes narrowed on him and a smug grin crossed her face.

Cassian was at a loss for words as he drank her in. Nesta was a sharp blade, she was more beautiful than any fae he had ever seen before and he had once thought that nothing could top her pure beauty but he was wrong. His heart started to race as he beheld a winged Nesta, the taut membrane shining in the midday light. He had never wanted to get on his knees and worship her as badly as he did in that moment. She was perfect and strong and _had Illyrian wings_ and nothing could damp down the voice that screamed in his head _mine mine mine._

Nesta was staring at him with such determination he felt like he could die in this moment.

“Speechless, bat boy?” She quipped, an eyebrow casually raised even though he swore he could hear slight panic in her voice, could scent it on her.

Cassian mindlessly stepped closer to Nesta, a hand reaching toward her outstretched wings as she snapped them in tight to her body.

“Not so fast, bastard.” She barked, backing up a step and wobbling on her feet a little before balancing herself back out.

Cassian swallowed the lump in his throat, searching for the right words as his eyes bored into her. “Nesta” he barely whispered, his eyes still bugging out of his head, his mind hardly comprehending what was happening.

She advanced on him, pushing his chest with an outstretched hand, “Who's the weak one now, Commander?” She snarled, “I throw on some pathetic wings and you suddenly can’t function, can’t look at me without wanting to touch me.”

Cassian narrowed his eyes at her, a low growl escaping his lips. Her fingers dug into his brown tunic as she continued to push him forward, “You think you’re so powerful, so brave and strong but you’re putty under my hands.”

Her wicked mouth curved into a smile and he wanted to run and thumb across it, bite that full bottom lip of hers. “Get a grip, Cassian” She spat, giving him a final shove in the chest, making him stumble back and catch his foot on the lip of the roof. His stomach flipped as he fell backwards, his mind taking a second to catch up before his wings shot out to catch the wind as he tumbled down towards the approaching city below.

Cassian beat his wings wildly, his entire body scorching with white hot rage at her. Nesta knew all the ways to push his buttons and had resorted to actually push him off the building. He knew he shouldn’t be surprised but a deep sense of guilt and dread hit him in full force. She had grown wings, she was an image to behold, but she had _pushed him off a building_ and wings or not, Cassian was going to make her pay.

Cassian rose back up over the side of the house, his feet thundering down on the roof as he burned with lethal rage. He curled his hands into fists, ready to attack but the roof was empty. And Nesta was gone.

 

-

Nesta

 

There was nothing but pain, white hot pain, angry red pain and it consumed her entire body. Panic had taken over her mind the second her wings had pushed through her back, every slight movement sending lines of pain through her back and down her core. He had advanced on her, reaching out to touch one of her wings and she had snapped them in so quickly she felt she was going to pass out from the muscles that pulled tightly in her core and shoulders. She was surprised he couldn’t scent the panic and desperation on her as she stormed across the roof, pushing him towards the edge. He had been so overwhelmed with his own wonder that he must have been blind to her emotions, and Nesta could not have been more grateful. Agony barking through her body with every movement but she couldn’t going to let Cassian know _that_.

The tug in her gut overwhelmed her, her mind a constant battleground. Cassian was, well, Cassian was _everything._ He was comfort and safety and anger and love and risk and the things she felt for him filled her with terror. But Nesta had known her whole life, she was not meant for any great love, nor a great destiny. So she swallowed those feelings, pushed away her want for him, her _need_ for him and took what she could take. They would fight, it was what they did.

She had summoned wings to fight with him, to prove him wrong but now she could _not_ fight him. Not like this. She had to get him away from her or at least have a chance to get away from him. Nesta had made a mistake, a grave mistake and she needed to get out of there, needed to get these wings off her back and curl up in her own pain and grief and fear.

“Get a grip, Cassian.” She forced out, choking on every word, hoping her pain sounded like anger to his ears. She had backed him to the side of the building and it took one more shove of her hand on his unaware body before he went plummeting off the roof. Guilt instantly burned deep into her stomach even though she knew he would be able to catch himself before he got anywhere close to the ground. She needed that time to get away, to figure out how to get rid of the wings and to avoid his wide eyed gaze.

Nesta ran the second he was out of sight, panicked heavy breaths taking over her body as her wings dragged behind her into the stairwell. Her vision edged with black as she flew down the stairs into one of the lower levels, the wings that were tugging at her back scratched against the cool wood floor behind her, aching from top to bottom. A sob broke out of her mouth as she fumbled for the door of one of Rhysand’s guest rooms. Her knees gave out the second she passed through the doorway and she pulled her agonized body across the floor, inch by inch.

She tried to think of the wings going away, of the pain vanishing but she couldn’t focus. Bile pushed at her throat and her stomach muscles cramped and flamed wildly. A quick peek over her shoulder proved the wings to still be there and Nesta started to panic. She didn’t know how she had summoned wings, didn’t know what type of magic she had even used to manifest them, let alone how to get rid of them. They tugged at her back muscles and Nesta desperately tried to calm her breathing. _In and out and in and out. Don’t panic don’t panic you just have WINGS now that you can’t get rid of._

She knew she had to hide until she could get the wings to vanish or until no one was around to see her panicking. Nesta quickly stumbled on her knees, every move agony in her body, and her arms pulled her towards the underside of the bed in front of her. Tears were streaming down her face and Nesta felt the threat of vomit with every movement, never feeling such intense pain in her entire life. She didn’t know what she was going to do, what she _could_ do. Could she see a healer? Could she even face anyone for help to even figure it out? Her knees curled up against her stomach and she bit on a knuckle as she hid in the dark. Heavy footsteps bounded down the stairs from the roof, almost drowned out by the heavy breaths that escaped her mouth.

“Nesta!” Cassian growled, his booted feet crashing through the hallway. A sweep of light broke into the room as he threw open each of the doorways to the rooms he stormed past. He didn’t see Nesta curled on the floor as he thundered by the room she was in.

He was like a storm, a raging storm that she knew she deserved. She had pushed him off a _roof._ And even through her panic and pain, even while she hid from him like a scared child under a bed, Nesta felt a flooding sense of relief in knowing that he had simply flown back onto the roof to stomp after her. He was a War General and had nearly died on the battlefield multiple times, but Nesta could never shake the sense of dread when any harm came to him. He was a part of her, even more than she felt a part of herself.

Her wings weakly fluttered behind her as she tried to dive back into the pit of her power in the same way she had earlier. The difference was palpable as she felt her magic as shallow as a puddle. Nesta gulped up a few deep breaths, trying to clear the black dots from her vision. Her back ached and her soul felt like an empty chasm. Never before had she felt like she had drained any of her power, and she had marveled at Cassian’s faded syphons, wondering what it felt like. It felt like an abomination, the spot that her wild power usually filled was weak and leeched of energy.

Her body started to calm, her muscles finding reprieve as her wings lay limp beside her on the floor. But Nesta’s mind continued to rage, searching for any way to get rid of the wings she so foolishly summoned.

The clock in the hallway chimed three bells and Nesta hoped everyone was in their respective apartments or rooms getting ready for another insufferable family dinner later that evening. She pulled herself back from under the bed, her wings catching on the frame as she lifted her body up and the agony barked back up her spine.

The hallway seemed endless and the stairwell more treacherous than ever as Nesta made her way out of the House of Wind. She had no idea what to do, unable to find someone to fly her down, nor wanting to take the hundreds of stairs leading her down to the city below.

Fae with immense power could winnow in dire situations and Nesta knew she _usually_ had immense power and this _did_ seem like a dire situation. So Nesta made her way down to the entrance of the House of Wind, hoping she could summon the strength to winnow back to her secluded apartment.

She didn’t even know _how_ to winnow, couldn’t even figure out how to get rid of stupid wings that she didn’t even know she had the power to summon. Nesta pushed away the panic that threatened to overtake her and decided she would do it. No questions, no worries. She would figure it out, and if not, she would fly. She was already in tremendous pain, what could a few more wing beats cost her. _A lot_ she knew, but she wasn’t going to admit _that._

The sun greeted her and she felt a slight relief knowing she had avoided running into Cassian or anyone else in the house and she clung onto that little triumph as the rest of her dread pushed down on her. A slight warmth rippled through her wings from the sun bearing down on them and it felt _good._ Nesta felt the wings behind her shift open involuntarily, like a cat reaching for the warm sun spot on the floor.

_Okay, Nesta. Picture your apartment, picture being inside in a warm bed with your wings nestled in a comfortable blanket pile and you’re safe and warm and not feeling any pain._

Nesta pushed on the image with all of her might, hoping this was how winnowing worked. And hell, if it wasn’t, she hoped she could at least tap back into her power and make it come to be like she had the damned wings.

Her stomach clenched and her head throbbed and everything felt like it was being squeezed through a tiny hole as Nesta blinked and found herself in her dark, studio apartment. She had done it, she had winnowed or done whatever magic she needed to get to safety.

But nonetheless, Nesta couldn’t find the energy to revel in her accomplishment as she treaded through a sea of pain and fear and terror. Every muscle in her body sang as she stumbled for the low mattress that sat in the corner of her single room residence. She had made it back but she had _wings_ and all this pain and no idea what to do with it and _no one_ to help. No one that she even felt she _could_ ask for help. She had been cruel to them all at one point in time and Nesta knew they wouldn’t be tripping over each other trying to come to her aid.

Nesta snuggled into her bed and evened out her breathing, or at least tried to as great sobs wracked her body. She would allow herself this, some time to cry and wallow before she figured out to do, before she figured out _how_ to figure out what to do.

Tears streamed down her face and soaked the pillow she rested on. She was _stupid, so stupid and a fool, such a damned fool._ Seconds or minutes or hours passed, Nesta didn’t know, but finally a sharp knock sounded on the door and Nesta froze.

Her mind raced as another knock sounded on the door. She had this sudden _need_ for it to be Cassian, there to save her, to take her pain and panic away but it _couldn’t_ be Cassian. He couldn’t see her like this, weak and pathetic and totally unable to deal with Illyrian wings, just like he said she would be. Nesta almost laughed out loud at the irony. She had proved his point so wonderfully while she tried to prove him wrong.

The knock sounded again and Nesta knew for certain this time it would not be Cassian. If he had been at the door it would be rattling on it’s hinges and his deep booming voice would be calling her name as loudly as possible. Finally the lock clicked as the door knob turned and Elain slipped into the apartment.

Nesta almost died of relief. Dear, sweet _Elain_ was here to save the day. The only person Nesta could be vulnerable with, the only person who would protect her heart and soul.

“Elain.” She croaked from her bed, her voice harsh as if her internal screams had manifested in her throat.

“Oh, Nesta.” Elain worried, rushing quickly towards her. “Are you sick?”

Nesta didn’t respond, pushing her head back into her pillow to hide her tear stained cheeks and puffy eyes. She wanted to avoid seeing the look on Elain’s face, _had_ to avoid seeing the sympathy and shock that would definitely light up her face when she got close enough to see the wings.

“Oh, Nesta.” Elain repeated, her voice a soft whisper that pushed another sob out of Nesta’s throat. Nesta felt the mattress shift as Elain sat down next to her and placed a tentative hand on her shoulder. _Help me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the comments! I hope you guys like this! It’ll be a long fic so I hope you’re in for the ride. I’ll try to post as much as I can but will be updating multiple fics at a time so I won’t be following a strict schedule. Hopefully I can get some chapters done and be able to get them out quickly! Thank you for reading. Hope you enjoy!  
> I’m always open to criticism. I haven’t done any serious creative writing/fanfiction since 2012 so I’m interested in any and all feedback! Thank you!


	3. Her Fate

Nesta

 

Elain had promised to not tell anyone what had happened, but quickly fled the apartment once she had thought Nesta to be asleep. Nesta knew she was going to get someone and groaned at the thought of who it could possibly be. She hoped Feyre out of any of them. Rhysand, Mor and Azriel would very likely run and tell Cassian before they came to her aid and she was not in the mood to deal with him right now.

Nesta was slightly surprised and unadmittedly disappointed that he hadn’t sought her out, especially after how angry he had sounded when he stalked through the house earlier looking for her. She  _ had _ pushed him off a building to get away, which was a cheap trick but she had been panicked and didn’t know what else to do. He would forgive her, he  _ had _ to forgive her. But why hadn’t he stalked to her apartment after looking for her in the house? Had someone talked him down? Was he completely done with her now? Could this finally the last straw for him, where she was concerned?

She shook the thoughts away, swallowing the lump that had formed in her throat at the thought of him. Her back ached as she shifted slightly under the covers, pulling herself to the edge of the bed. Gods, did she have to use the bathroom. Her legs swung out of the bed and shook slightly as she tried to push off and hoist herself upright. Her entire stomach and back and shoulders barked in agony as she shuffled her way to the bathroom that was right off her kitchenette. She had to sit sideways on the chamber pot to be able to maneuver with the wings and she, once again, cursed herself for being a damn fool. What had she been thinking when she had summoned fucking Illyrian wings? She wasn’t.

As Nesta stood at the basin and washed her hands, she dared to peer into the mirror in front of her. She looked terrible, her eyes were puffy from hours of crying and her hair was a complete mess. Her dark wings hung behind her, flopping around like dead fish when she tried to hold them up in the way Cassian and Azriel always were. Nesta tried to lift up her hands to pull the braid out of her hair and couldn’t even get her arms to move up at all without them screaming in pain. She huffed a sigh and shuffled back into her apartment.

“Shit.” A deep male voice grumbled at the sight of her as she slinked out of the bathroom.

Nesta groaned as her eyes shot up and were met with the sight of Elain and a wide-eyed Azriel standing in front of her. She grunted a hello and shuffled back towards the bed, flopping down on her stomach with a hiss as her tender wings dropped on top of her.

“You said you wouldn’t tell anyone, Elain.” She whined, her words muffled by the pillow that pressed into her voice. Her sister remained silent as she padded towards the bed and pulled Nesta’s feet onto her lap. The thumbs that Elain dug into Nesta’s foot felt glorious and she was instantly forgiven.

Silent as a wraith, Azriel moved towards her and perched on the side of her bed near her head and shoulders. 

“How?” He asked, his voice a near whisper.

“I have no clue, I just dove into my power and tried to summon wings and it worked.” Nesta grumbled, “I’m such an idiot. I don’t know what to do.”

“Can I-”Azriel cleared his throat, “May I touch them? Just to make sure you didn’t damage any muscles today.”

Nesta nodded, her gut clenching at the thought of anyone touching the muscles that hurt like hell. He dusted a light finger over her shoulder and around the base of the wings. Her breath hitched at the feeling of his cool fingers on her wings.

“I’m sorry.” Azriel said, quickly pulling his hands away. “I know how sensitive they can be, and how painful the muscles are when overworked.”

He silently placed his hand back on her shoulders, pushing lightly on her spine between the wings as his fingers walked down her back. The shirt she was wearing hung shredded on her back, the wings bursting through it earlier and leaving it worse for wear.

“I have a salve to help with the pain but it’ll have to be Feyre or Rhysand who helps you try to get rid of them. That’s a subject I know little about.” Azriel words sunk in and Nesta held back another groan. She  _ knew  _ she would need to face those two eventually but she had hoped some other solution could be found first. 

Elain offered to help Nesta with the salve while Azriel went to get the Lord and Lady of Night. Nesta barked a quick warning about  _ not _ telling Cassian and Azriel was gone in a swirl of shadows before she could even finish. 

Elain helped Nesta out of her ruined shirt and into a lace up dress that they could leave unlaced to allow for the wings sprouting from her back. The pain in her shoulders and back was agony as Elain worked the minty salve into her skin and lightly kneaded at the muscles with her knuckles. 

Not more than a few minutes passed when Azriel reappeared in her apartment with Feyre and Rhysand in tow. Nesta turned her head to look at the group that gathered by the end of her bed. Feyre‘s eyebrows drew together in worry as Rhysand stood behind her the wide eyes.

“Oh, Nesta.” Feyre whispered, shuffling towards the bed that Nesta stretched across.

“That’s exactly what Elain said.” Nesta replied quietly. She looked up at Feyre’s wide eyes and winced at the sight of Rhysand and Azriel looking down at her with drawn brows.

“I’m so embarrassed.” Nesta added with a whisper, exhausted to the point that she couldn’t even conjure up her harsh walls.

Feyre turned towards Rhysand, “Should we call a healer?”

The concern that laced her voice made Nesta’s stomach clench. “No way!” Nesta barked as her cheeks and neck flushed a deep red.

“Ah, there’s our dear Nesta.” Rhysand crooned, stepping towards them, “I was beginning to think that you must have been dying with how pleasant you were acting.”

A low growl escaped Nesta’s throat as Feyre threw a playful slap at Rhysand’s leg. She would not see a healer, would not even entertain the idea that this was permanent and that the strain on her muscles wouldn’t be pulled away with the wings the second she could get them to disappear. There was no way she was going to be able to  _ live  _ with wings. She could barely function, let alone be able to tuck the painful wings in tight or  _ fly _ using them in the way the Illyrian did.

“How do you do it?” She croaked, her puffy eyes meeting Feyre’s pitying gaze. She flinched at the sympathetic look that her sister was throwing her way and once again Nesta felt like a young child about to receive a lecture from an angry parent.

Instead Feyre nestled lightly down on the bed by Nesta’s head and wound her fingers into her soft hair, pulling the pins from the braid that hung around the crown of her head. Nesta could hardly hold back the purr that crawled up her throat as Feyre brushed soothing strokes down her scalp and into her tangled hair, being careful to delicately work out the knots that caught at the ends of the strands.

“It’s hard to explain,” Feyre started speaking lightly, scratching at Nesta’s scalp like she was petting a sleeping cat. “My wings come from Tamlin’s shapeshifting gift that I inherited from him. It takes all my focus to summon the wings and the hard part is keeping them there, not getting them to go away. Once I get distracted or too tired my body shifts back to normal, the wings kind of just disappearing with my concentration.”

Feyre stopped the hand in Nesta’s hair and turned to look up at Rhysand as he stood back with Azriel. “What do you think, Rhys?” Feyre asked, speaking out loud for Nesta’s benefit even though she could have asked through the ever present bond they shared.

Rhys shoved his hands in his pocket and took a quiet step towards Nesta, his head cocking to the side and his eyes narrowing. “Explain how you did it.”

“I don’t know.” Nesta barked, closing her eyes and cursing herself for her harsh tone. She was tired and in pain and  _ embarrassed  _ that they were all seeing her like this. She took a deep breath and met his eyes, flinching at the hard stare he cast at her as he waited for her response. “I just wanted to shock Cassian so I tunneled into my power and tried to summon Illyrian wings that looked just like his. I didn’t even think about what it would mean or how I would get rid of them. I just did it.” Nesta tried to soften her voice as much as she could, hoping they wouldn’t just leave in frustration when she grew harsh. “Like a fool.” She added quietly.

Rhysand took his hands out of his pocket and ran them through his hair once before taking a deep breath. “I mean, it’s fascinating. Really fascinating and seemingly improbable. I don’t think anyone with any amount of power should be able to do  _ that. _ To just dive into their power and create whatever they want. I can summon wings because I’m half Illyrian and Feyre can do it because she has shape shifting powers.”

He paced in the small space of her apartment that they all gathered in. “Your power on the other hand comes from the Cauldron so what does that mean for the wings?”

Nesta was flooded with a sense of dread at the tone of his voice. He was probably the most intelligent Fae she had met since she had been turned. If he didn’t know how to fix this, how would anyone.

“Can you try to dive into your power again and try to imagine you don’t have wings?” Rhysand asked, turning towards Azriel and quietly ordering him to find Mor to see if she could give them any answers. Nesta wanted to curse at the thought of  _ more  _ people gathering in her small apartment and gawking at her but she bit down the instinct and closed her eyes as Feyre restarted the soothing hand that stroked through her hair. 

Nesta turned inward, searching for that deep chasm of power that lived inside her. She went spiraling down, just like she had earlier that day, trying to push the ever present pain out of her mind. She pictured herself standing stiff, back straight and chin up with no hint of wings behind her shoulders. She imagined the lightness of her body without them and tried to tune out the agony that barked up her spine with every movement. Nesta threw herself into the chasm, falling and falling with no wings to catch her. She knew she could do this, she  _ would  _ do this. She  _ had  _ to do this. She felt herself falling like a pebble off a bridge and breathed a sigh of relief. At the last second, wings burst open and caught the wind, keeping her from reaching the deep pit of her soul.

Feyre and Rhysand swore as her wings snapped open, the blinding pain bringing her back to the present. She was in her bed, her sore wings pulled taut around her, having pushed Feyre off the bed and into Rhysand’s arms as he quickly reacted and caught her.

“Fuck.” Nesta screamed, biting onto the tear stained pillow to hold in the scream of pain that pushed up her throat. “It didn’t work.  _ It didn’t work. _ ”

Nesta hiccuped as a sob tore out of her and her wings went slack on the bed beside her. Feyre quickly approached again, pushing Rhys’ hand away as he tried to stop her. She settled down on the bed and leaned down towards Nesta. Nesta felt Elain pad over and sit on the other side of her and place a tentative hand on her shoulder. 

Feyre’s cheek pressed against hers as she whispered quietly, just for the three of them to hear, “It’s okay, Nesta. We will figure it out. I know you’re scared and in pain but we will help you. I  _ promise. _ ”

“My dear Nesta,” Elain cooed, stroking at the short curly hairs that lay on Nesta’s nape. “We will get you through this.”

Nesta’s breathing evened out, she wouldn’t panic, she wouldn’t let herself go down that path of hopelessness and fear. She had her sisters and she would get through this.

Another sob broke free from her throat as she let it all soak in, they were helping her, were being kind and gentle with her when she had pushed them away for so long. She didn’t deserve her sisters or their kindness or the love that poured out of them so freely. They had always given themselves to her so freely and she had replied in barbed words and a guarded heart. 

“I winnowed.” She croaked, suddenly remembering her quick escape from the House of Wind earlier that day.

Rhysand let out a dry laugh and crossed his arms across his chest as he looked down on her. Nesta met his gaze as he shook his head in wonder. Feyre huffed a laugh and smoothed her hands over Nesta’s forehead.

“It seems like you’ve had quite the day.”

A swirl of shadows clustered in the corner of the room as Azriel appeared with Mor. Her eyes landed on the Archeron sisters huddled in the bed and her eyes went as round as saucers. “Oh gods,” Mor whispered, her throat bobbing as she visibly swallowed. “This is way out of my league. When will Amren be back from the Summer Court?”

“Two weeks.” Azriel answered quietly from Mor’s side.

“Damn, Nesta.” Mor gaped.

Nesta buried her head in her pillow. This was  _ not  _ happening. Could she do this? Could she live with the wings that now lay limp on top of her?

“How did you do it?” Nesta asked Feyre, her eyes drifting over to Rhysand, Mor and Azriel as they quietly huddled by the door, trying to work this out between the three of them. “How did you learn to use them? To hold them up.”

Feyre adjusted next to her, pivoting so she could take one of Nesta’s shoulders in each hand and started to push her thumbs into the tense muscles of her upper back. “I trained with Azriel for the actual flying and Cassian’s training helped me build up enough core muscles to hold the wings and to use them to fly.”

Feyre was silent for a minute when Nesta didn’t reply but continued to work on the sore muscles under her thumbs. “Does Cassian know you’re hurt? That you need help?”

“No.” A lump formed in her throat again at the thought of Cassian. They were all here but him and she was glad. She  _ was  _ glad, right? He didn’t need to see her like this. She didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he was right about her all along. Would he even be concerned? Probably not. “I pushed him off the building and then hid from him under a bed until he stormed off.”

“Yeah, we heard.” Mor called from across the room, laughing lightly. “At dinner.” She added when Nesta craned her neck up to look at her.

Nesta groaned again and pushed her face back into her pillow. This was a mess, a complete mess and it could  _ not _ get worse.

As if fate knew she was thinking those exact thoughts, a loud pounding started at the door and Elain reached towards it to pull it open. Nesta opened her mouth to tell Elain to stop as a loud voice bellowed her name from the other side. Elain swung the door open and a fuming Cassian stood on the other side. His eyes flared wide as he took in the scene in front of him, they narrowed to small slits as he huffed a heavy breath. Everyone in the room was silent as they watched him.

“What the  _ fuck _ is going on here?” He growled, his voice loud in the quiet room.

The anger and hurt that flared in his features made Nesta’s gut twist horribly. “Cassian,” she croaked as one of her hands absentmindedly reached towards the doorway. But before she could even get his name out of her mouth, he was gone.


	4. All Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst Angst Angst

Cassian

 

Cassian could not find any of the inner circle anywhere and he was slowly starting to panic. Rhys and Feyre weren’t in their manor and Azriel was nowhere to be found in his apartment or his usual brooding spots. They had departed the family dinner with promises of a night out on the town and Cassian had flown back to his apartment to change out of his fighting leathers and into something more comfortable.

They had all laughed at him when he had come storming into dinner, looking disgruntled as she scanned the table for Nesta. She hadn’t been there, to no one’s surprise, and he had sat down in the one empty seat with a grumbled hello. Throughout the evening and with the promise of more wine they had coaxed the story of his unfortunate day out of him. Cassian had been furious and fuming but his lips slowly quirked into a smile as he regaled his tale and joined in with his friends as they laughed. Nesta had infuriated him but he had to admit that it was gutsy for her to summon  _ wings  _ and then back him off the roof. Azriel had spit wine out of his nose at that part of the story and Elain’s eyes were wide the entire time. She quickly hurried off once they finished dinner and he knew that she was high tailing it to Nesta’s apartment to check on her. 

He had stopped himself from storming to her apartment after he failed to find her in the House of Wind. Cassian knew he could confront her later and instead took his frustration out on the punching bag that hung heavy in his cramped apartment. He couldn’t get the vision of Nesta out of his mind, standing there with wings flared wide and a lustrous sneer pasted on her face. She was radiant and magnificent and Cassian fought down the lust that bubbled up in his stomach with every thought.

He had flown right to dinner without changing his leathers and desperately needed a bath and a change if he didn’t want to be kicked out of Rita’s later. When he could find none of his friends he headed down to the bar thinking that at least Mor had gotten there early.

When he found no one there, nor at any of their apartments or usual places, Cassian grew worried. Something had to have happened and he desperately pushed down on the dread that hung heavy in his mind. His breathing grew heavy with panic and Cassian tried to focus on evening them out so he could just  _ think _ . Where else could everyone be that he hadn’t checked yet? He had come from his apartment but hadn’t been back there since. Maybe they were waited there. He took to the sky, his wings beating loudly behind him as he raced back to his apartment, passing by the House of Wind to check if any lights had been turned on. His apartment and surrounding block were empty and there was only one other person he hadn’t looked for.  _ Nesta.  _ Her name clanged through Cassian’s brain like a cannonball. A low growl erupted in his chest as he took to the skies once again. Had she gotten hurt? Did she try to fly from the House of Wind and injure herself?

Cassian cursed himself quietly, he should have found her after she fled that rooftop. 

He should have made sure she was okay but instead he let his anger cloud his judgement. He could distinctly remember the pain that Feyre had been in when she first had summoned Illyrian wings, and she had already built up more muscle than Nesta has.

Cassian couldn’t imagine Nesta would have asked the  _ others  _ for help instead of him. The realization hit him right in the gut.  _ She would. Of course she would.  _ She thought nothing of him other than someone to yell at, to release her anger towards. Of course she wouldn’t go to him when she had issues. He was  _ nothing.  _ She had said so herself that morning. Before she  _ pushed him off the roof.  _

He was such a goddamned idiot, pining after her when she clearly thought so little of him. But Cassian couldn’t push away the ache and gut-clenching fear that overtook him as he hurtled towards her apartment, hoping to find her okay. 

His feet thundered up the stairs toward her third floor studio and banged heavily on her door. Before she would have the chance to open the door he bellowed her name, fear spiking in his voice.

A meek Elain appeared at the door, quickly pulling it open to let him in. Feyre huddled over a winged Nesta and Mor, Rhys and Az stood off to the side, all wide eyed at his arrival. Cassian wanted to scream. They were all here, every single damned one of them except for him. And he bet, if Amren hadn’t been away at Summer Court she would have been in that cursed apartment too. Az looked down quickly and Rhys’ voice quickly floated into his mind.

_ Cassian-  _ But Cassian threw up the shields to block Rhys from his mind and growled, “What the  _ fuck  _ is going on here?”

He had been stabbed before, had gotten his guts poured out of him, had his wings broken to the point where he might have never flown again but  _ this _ pain was new. This was a different pain that flooded his entire body and made him want to wail and crumble on the spot. Nesta had always been great at blocking him out but she had done that to everyone, never letting anyone get close enough to her. Cassian had always found solace in that fact, that even though it would take him a mile to get an inch, it was an inch more than everyone else got.

Now she was here with  _ everyone  _ but him.  _ Everyone.  _ Cassian felt rage and sadness and fear and hurt like he had never felt before. He barely registered the feeling of the door in his hand as he turned and slammed it shut behind himself. Taking the stairs four at a time, unfolding his wings slightly so his body could coast down the stairwell and he could flee from this nightmare.

He could hear the door opening and closing behind him but didn’t give a  _ shit _ about who was following him. Once he got down to the street Cassian completely unfurled his wings to take off, only to see Mor winnow in front of him and grab his arm before he could take off.

“Cassian, please.” Mor begged, the regret clear in her eyes.

“What?” He barked, people on the street turning to look at the scene unfolding in front of them. 

“We can explain-” She started, gripping his arm tighter as if to stop him from fleeing. He wanted to roar at her, to roar at all of them.

“What could you possibly say to  _ explain _ this?” Cassian growled. “No one thought to tell  _ me? _ ”

_ “ _ Cass _ -” _

_ “SHE’S MY-” My Mate  _ He almost screamed, choking on the words before they could escape his mouth. She was his  _ nothing.  _ They were  _ nothing. _

_ “ _ Let me  _ go, _ Mor. _ ”  _ Cassian pulled Mor’s hand off his arm and threw it at her. His rage and guilt and fear choking him, this wasn’t who he was. It wasn’t who he should be, but he was so filled with emotion he found it hard to even care. He felt betrayed, the people closest to him shutting him out like he always feared they would. 

Mor backed up quickly, her eyes wide and the words she obviously wanted to say not finding their way out of her mouth. She reached for him one last time before he shot into the sky, beating his wings as fast and hard as he could.

Cassian couldn’t handle this, didn’t even know what to do. Nesta was obviously hurt, and the fact twisted at his gut as he flew hard. But she didn’t need him, she had made that quite obvious as she gathered all of his friends except for him. She still had wings, which meant she had either injured them or couldn’t get rid of them or both. He had sworn he saw a flash of panic in her eyes on that rooftop but she had pasted over it with a sneer and barbed words. Nesta was prideful and foolish and should have just  _ told  _ him on that rooftop that she was in pain. He could have done something to help her, wouldn’t have been stalking around Velaris trying to find her to yell at her but would have brought her home or to a healer. Was that why she had backed him off the roof? Because she was hurt in some way and didn’t want him to see? Didn’t  _ want  _ him to help her or touch her or see her. 

Cassian scoffed at the thought, beating his wings harder as he neared his dark apartment. Nesta’s damn pride was going to be the death of her.

He couldn’t believe this was happening. She pushed and pushed and pushed him away and he always came back. Cassian doubted he could do it much longer, doubted his heart could handle the pain that lanced through it every time she pushed him away. This time was different, it was  _ different  _ because she had let them  _ all  _ in.

She was prideful and probably scared but did Nesta really think that he would be  _ mean  _ to her after their fight that day. Yes, they fought but Cassian had thought he had made it clear that he cared for her. How could she still not see?

Cassian should expect this from  _ her,  _ but from  _ them?  _ His brothers and Mor all had kept him in the dark as they gathered around her to help. How many times had he defended her to them? How many times had he put up with listening to them complain about her? His friends, his lifelong friends had shut him out for  _ her _ . He cringed at the memory of their faces when he had stormed in there, shock and fear.

Cassian swallowed the lump in his throat as he barged into his own apartment, pulling off his shoes and throwing them hard across the apartment. He screamed and growled, grabbing the chair that sat in his living room and throwing it against the floor. His breaths became hard and rough and he fisted his long hair in his hands, tears starting to fall from his eyes.

He was alone, so alone. It had been hundreds of years since he felt this alone, this rejected by the people he loved. He was outside looking in, the place he always feared he would be as the group started to pair off, settling into lives of their own that didn’t include him.

Cassian threw himself into his room and down on his bed, gulping in great gasps of air and he fought to calm his tears. When was the last time he had cried like this? How long had he felt so safe and loved that the tears never came?

This was his life now, loneliness would hold him like an old friend. He was an damned idiot to think any different, to think that him and Nesta would have had a future together. And to see her with  _ wings _ , to get a glimpse of a future where they would  _ fly  _ together. Where they would take to the sky, and she would be there next to him doing his favorite thing and he would look over and  _ smile  _ at her and she would smile  _ back.  _ The image it conjured was another stab to his gut as he rolled onto his side and willed the tears to stop.

A brief knock sounded on the door before Cassian heard it swing open on it’s hinges. Before they even came into the room, Cassian knew it would be Rhysand and Azriel in the doorway, taking him on two to one after he had dismissed Mor. He buried his head deeper into his blankets and grumbled at their lurking presence.

Cassian felt the bed sag under the weight as one of them sat next to him, and he knew that if he looked up Rhysand would be sitting beside him and Azriel would be lurking in the corner, twisting his hands in front of him.

Cassian remained silent as they waited for him to talk for, to rage or yell or tell them to leave. He did none of it, just threw his arms over his head to cover it even more. He didn’t want to see them, didn’t know what to say or if he even  _ wanted  _ to say anything to them. 

“ _ Cass. _ ” Rhysand said quietly, resting a hand on Cassian’s exposed shoulder. Cassian tried to shake it off but he held firmly. “ _ Brother, please. _ ”

Cassian heard Azriel clear his throat and adjust his wings as they rustled behind him.

“Elain found Nesta in her apartment after dinner, wings out and in a great deal of pain. She came to find me even though she promised Nesta she wouldn’t tell _ anyone _ . She made me promise not to tell you all. I only got Feyre and Rhys because I thought they could help her figure out how to get rid of the wings. Mor had only just arrived when you came in and-”

Cassian pulled the sheets from over his head, glaring at the hovering Azriel and Rhysand, “And this is supposed to make me feel better? It’s supposed to  _ excuse  _ that you all  _ kept me away.” _

“She asked that Azriel and I not tell you.” Rhysand countered, a deep frown set into his features. 

“And you  _ listened _ to her?”

“You know how Nesta can be-”

“No, I obviously don’t  _ know how Nesta can be, _ ” Cassian growled, “Why don’t you enlighten me, dear brother? Since she trusts  _ you _ so much.”

“It’s not like that-” “Don’t be that way-” Rhys and Az said at the same time, their voices overlapping and cutting off at the same moment.

“Get out!” Cassian groaned, pointing a finger towards the door. “Go!”

“Brother, I know you’re mad but-” Azriel started.

“Of course, I’m  _ mad.  _ I’m mad and hurt-“ His voice broke on the word and he swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat. “And - and how it felt to see you all  _ there-  _ and I was-“

Rhysand placed his hand on Cassian’s neck and leaned down next to him, pressing their foreheads together. “Please don’t push us away, Cass. We’re sorry, we messed up.”

Cassian took a deep breath, his hand reaching around to clasp the back of Rhysand’s neck and keep him close. Tears reformed in the corners of his eyes, he  _ was  _ mad and he  _ was  _ hurt but they were his brothers, his family. Their presence and concern calmed him, centered him. He wasn’t alone, he  _ wasn’t _ and he hadn’t been alone for a  _ long  _ time because he had his brothers. Cassian pulled back from Rhysand and pushed himself up into sitting position. He met Azriel’s eyes and motioned for the Shadowsinger to join them on the bed with an outstretched arm.

Azriel padded over to the bed and silently sat down, sinking into the crook of Cassian’s arm. Az wrapped himself around the Commander in a way that he hadn’t in years and years.

And the three of them, the most powerful males in Velaris held each other, depending on one another for strength. They let the love and brotherhood flow openly between them. Rhysand tightened his arms around the two of them as Azriel scooted in closer and Cassian cried in the arms of his two best friends.

He was sad, he was mad, he was lonely and hurt, but he was not alone. Not really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is super angsty. were getting there but it’ll be a super slow burn <3 i love them so much. Thank you for reading i love YOU all for reading this and (hopefully) enjoying it!!


	5. Broken

Nesta

 

Mor had raced after Cassian and Nesta cursed her damn wings because it should have been  _ her  _ who had gone after him, it should have been her that followed him and comforted him and lured him back with sweet words. But she had never been a comforter or possessor of sweet words. Except Cassian had made her  _ want  _ to be that way, she had never before wanted to soothe a male with honeyed words and gentle touches. The pain and anger that had flashed through Cassian’s expression as he fled her apartment had cleaved her in two, leaving her feeling raw and ill. Nesta didn’t deserve him, didn’t deserve a damned inch of him with her cold heart and her icy demeanor. But hell if she didn’t  _ want _ him. She was a fool a hundred times over, she had been a fool summoning these stupid wings and she was a fool for pushing him away and she was a fool to not expect that he would be so  _ hurt _ that everyone else was there but  _ him. _

Feyre remained by her side, a hand still stroking through her hair. She had been the only one to hear Nesta croak Cassian’s name and her hand had stilled in Nesta’s hair before resuming it’s soothing path. Elain stood wide eyed in the doorway next to a nervous Azriel and uncomfortable looking Rhysand.

“Go after him.” Nesta pleaded, meeting Rhysand’s eyes and then shifting her gaze to Azriel. “Please, he needs you.”

They looked rooted in spot as they regarded her and before they could snap into action and winnow, Mor burst back through the door. Rhysand’s darkness halted, hanging in midair as it had just started to swirl around them.

“He left.” She choked out, silver lining her eyes. “He wouldn’t listen he just took off.”

Nesta breathed in deeply, pushing down at the guilt that clouded her entire mind. He had looked so  _ hurt _ , in a way that she had never seen before, in a way she never thought she would ever see. His walls were so thick and he bounced everything off with a smile and snide comment. Those walls had been completely obliterated as he took in all of his closest friends gathered around  _ her.  _ Nesta was such an idiot, such a stupid idiot.

And in that moment, Nesta cried like she never had before, absolutely wailed and curled into herself. The sound that came out of her throat was inhuman, and all attention was ripped to her. She had done it, had pushed him to the limit and had truly hurt him in a way she had never before. They had volleyed insults and snide comments but Nesta never felt the sense of dread that she did in that moment. She didn’t  _ want  _ to lose him,  _ couldn’t  _ lose him. But she would, she knew deep in her gut that she would. Nesta should have expected it, should have known that there would never be anything good in her life that she could keep, that she could hold close to her heart. 

Nesta startled when Feyre placed a tentative hand on her cheek and she was suddenly aware that the others were still in her apartment, staring at her with wide eyes while she grieved for the future she had lost.

“Go!” Nesta cried, her jaw clenching and her teeth grinding. She thought this night couldn’t get any worse but here they all were watching her have a mental breakdown and laying her emotions wide at their feet. “GET OUT!” She bellowed, reverting to the pit of anger that filled her stomach, doing anything she could to just get them to stop looking at her like  _ that _ .

Mor, Rhysand and Azriel quickly skirted out the door into the stairwell, and as Elain sat down next to Nesta she urged Feyre to join her mate where he stood in the doorway. Feyre lingered for a moment, looking back at Nesta with that pity-filled gaze. Nesta nodded at her, mouthing an  _ i love you _ . Feyre looked taken aback before a small smile formed on her lips and she whispered, “I love you Nesta, we will get through this. Together.”

The look on Feyre’s face and the quiet declaration left Nesta gutted. She had lost so much time pushing her sisters away and she wondered how many times she had actually told them she  _ loved  _ them. She did, she loved them so fiercely it scared her. But now they had an infinity to grow closer and depend on each other.

Nesta rolled onto her side, one wide wing flopping over her body onto the other. The physical pain was dulled by the roaring chasm of pain that filled her heart and soul. Nesta pushed herself further back onto the mattress and grabbed for Elain.

A small smile ghosted Elain’s lips as she scooted her body onto the bed next to Nesta and lay facing her. Elain’s hand came up and stroked across Nesta’s forehead and down her temple to stroke her cheek. The touch was comforting and Nesta leaned into it, closing her puffy eyes and breathing in deeply. Elain was here, her lovely Elain who would always love her and be there for her. She was  _ here _ and she wasn’t leaving.

“You are brave, my dear Nesta.” Elain whispered, her gaze piercing Nesta’s.

“I can handle pain, I’ve done it before.” Nesta grumbled, not feeling brave at all. Actually, feeling rather cowardly.

“No, not that.” Elain smiled, her finger once again trailing down the side of Nesta’s face. “You are brave because you have been true to your emotions, and have worn them on your sleeve. I know how hard that is for you.”

Nesta nodded slightly, biting back the barbed reply that automatically rose up in her throat. It  _ was _ hard to let them see, to let the vulnerability overcome her but it had just seeped out of her, too great to hold back. She had shut them all out for so long, she harshly hid herself, hoping to ward off the pain that lanced through her mind with any chance it got. But did it really shield her? Was she not hurt by the pain she caused others? Had she really lived so many years with love in her heart and hate on her tongue?

“I am not brave, Elain.” Nesta whispered, closing her eyes and burrowing into Elain’s neck. The smell of flowers and fresh earth settled deep into her heart and made her eyes burn with tears. “I am the villain in this story.”

Elain just held her closer, pressing a hand to the back of her head and curling their bodies tighter together. They remained that way for the rest of the night, lying together and listening to the beats of their hearts and their synchronized breathing. When Elain began to breathe heavily and Nesta was sure she was asleep she whispered sweet words into her ear.  _ I love you, Elain. I do not deserve your kind soul and forgiving heart but I will keep them close to me. Forever.  _

And in the darkness of Nesta’s small apartment, a smile bloomed across Elain’s lips. 

 

~

 

For three days no one had answers. For three long and torturous days, Nesta tried to wrap her head around the reality of her life. She tried and tried to come to terms with a lifetime with wings as her body slowly healed itself, the soreness never leaving her muscles even after the shooting pain had. It took her hours and Elain’s sweet words and comforting touches for Nesta to get out of bed that first day. Her limbs trembled as pain continued to lance through her back with every movement. But she could do  _ this _ , she  _ had _ to do this. She was strong, she had always been strong and she knew the only way she would be able to survive this was to tap into that powder keg of strength that she kept hidden deep within herself.  Nesta had done it, and did it again the next day. She had gotten out of bed, had attempted some semblance of a normal life as she ate meals all while remaining hidden in her apartment.

She allowed small gasps to escape her mouth when she sank into bed or if her wings would drag on the ground and catch on pieces of furniture in her path. Nesta had never allowed herself to appear weak, did  _ not  _ want people to think of her that way, let alone  _ see  _ her in such situations. It was exactly why she had pushed them all away, why she had fled from that rooftop and shut Cassian out.

_ Cassian.  _ His name always rattled through her and sunk into her gut like a heavy stone. She had a hard time pushing away the memories of  _ his face _ and the hurt she  _ felt  _ as his eyes had bored into her. She missed him and the realization was like a slap to the face, she missed seeing him. She missed his rage and the rage he instilled in her, he made her feel alive. All that was left was emptiness, a deep hole dug into her soul.

Elain had snuck into her apartment nearly an hour before, flitting around the kitchen as light on her feet and happy as ever. Nesta held back by the doorway, watching her shuffle around and assemble a meal for them. She was so beautiful and radiated such loving and caring energy. It made a lump rise up in Nesta’s throat. Elain deserved all the happiness in the world and Nesta would gladly tear apart her own broken soul if it meant that Elain would get that happiness.

“You should join us all for dinner, Nesta.” Elain spoke, causing Nesta to startle and move from her place in the doorway.

She didn't respond. What could she even say? They wouldn’t want her there. No, not at all. Nesta could not imagine that a single one of their “family” would want her to show up to any of their dinners, ever. 

“Elain-”

“Please Nesta just consider it.” Elain turned toward her, her eyes warm and open. “They might be able to help you adjust. Rhys and Azriel would certainly give you pointers on the wings. Feyre too!”

Nesta didn’t need to point out that Elain very purposely hadn’t mentioned Cassian. Her heart tugged at her to ask Elain about him, to see if he was okay, if she had even seen him since that night. Had Rhysand and Azriel gone after him? Had he found comfort in any of them or had he closed himself off from them all? She had seen his reaction and Mor’s panic, had she created a rift in their seemingly flawless group?

Nesta had lost him, she felt it and knew it to be fact. She could live with it, she  _ would _ live with it, eventually. But if she had ruined his family, if she had hurt the bonds that he so obviously depended on. How could she come back from that? 

It was yet another black stain to add onto her soul. Yet another mark on the ever-growing list of her failures and shortcomings.

No, she decided. They definitely would  _ not _ want her to be at that dinner.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea, Elain.” Nesta murmured, knowing her decision would disappoint her loving sister.

“Well, I do.” Elain countered, crossing her arms in front of her and taking a defensive pose. “You can’t hide here forever, Nesta.”

“Actually, I can.” Nesta bit, “That’s precisely what I’ll be doing.”

“Don’t you want to fly, Nesta?”

The question stopped her short.  _ Fly?  _ Did she want to fly? She had wings,  _ wings.  _ In all her thoughts of her future it never occurred to her. She  _ could fly,  _ well, she  _ might _ be able to fly. She had ruined everything, with one brash decision she had turned her life upside down and sideways and pulled it apart in every way possible. But if she could  _ fly,  _ then maybe her future wouldn’t be as dark as she had assumed.

“Do they think I could do it?” Nesta choked out, knowing that Elain had to have talked with the rest of them about this.

“With time, yes.” Elain nodded, “Feyre did.”

Nesta could fly, she  _ would. _ In that moment she decided she would, she  _ had  _ to. It was a freedom she never thought could have been afforded to her. It was a thrill that she had only partially experienced when she flew in the Illyrians grip. She could go anywhere, she could do anything.

Nesta closed her eyes and imagined it, pushed away the ache in her body and her heart and imagined the beauty of Velaris from above. She imagined the sound of twin wing beats and her heart soared as she pictured it, flying high in the clouds with a hooting Cassian at her side, red siphons gleaming.

_ Cassian _ . The thought hit her like a bullet and she suddenly felt sucked back into the pain and torment of her body. She wanted him there with her, wanted him to be the one to teach her, to be there for her. To be a part of her future. But he wouldn’t be, she knew it, but it was a dream she would keep deep in her heart. 

Nesta would apologize, she would try to make it right. And as much as her heart screamed that it was too late and that the wounds were irreparable, she would  _ try.  _ She had to try. 

“Yes.” Nesta said as Elain’s hands stilled on the dough she had been kneading.

“Yes?”

“Yes, I want to fly.” Nesta breathed, shuffling her wings behind her and biting back the gasp that wracked her body with the movement. “And I’ll go to a dinner.”

“For you.” Nesta added.

“No,” Elain smiled, turning toward her. “For you.”

And Nesta’s heart sang. She  _ would _ do this for Elain, she would  _ also _ do this for herself and the brokenness she felt inside. She had an eternity to  _ try _ and fix things and if she started right now, maybe she  _ could _ . 


	6. Eye to Eye

Cassian

 

“Where have you been all day?” Cassian barked as he found Azriel in the kitchen of the House of Wind. “I thought we agreed we were going to fly through the puffy clouds the next time they filled the sky.”

Azriel stood silently with his arms crossed over his chest, a smirk playing on his lips.

“Azriel! They were so fluffy today! Really?” Cassian huffed, narrowing his eyes at his silent brother.

“I was busy.”

“Yeah, busy being a busybody! I was going to fly through them alone and I should have! You prick!” 

A deep laugh rumbled through Azriel’s chest. Cassian knew he was being ridiculous but  _ come on,  _ a promise is a promise. 

“I was with Elain.”

“ _ I was with Elain. _ ” Cassian mimicked, trying to avoid the heavy weight that accompanied any thoughts of the Archeron sisters. “You’ve been seeing a lot of that one recently. Is she still in her garden every day?” 

“Brother, Nesta is coming to dinner tonight. Elain invited her to join us.” Cassian stiffened at Azriel’s words, his mood instantly plummeting at the statement. 

“Will you be there?” Azriel asked.

“I’m not going to  _ hide _ from her brother. She has made me look like a fool enough already, I will not let her do it any longer.”

Azriel gave him a pitying look and raised an eyebrow his way. Cassian knew he couldn’t hide anything from his brother or his shadows.

“You will have to make right with her eventually,” Azriel said, “You can’t hold a grudge for eternity.”

“I am  _ not  _ holding a  _ grudge. _ ” Cassian growled, “I’m done. I will not allow myself to be her verbal punching bag.”

“Cassian, I know she can be unnerving but she really didn’t mean to-”

“We are  _ not  _ having this conversation right now, Azriel.” He replied, “I will not let myself be  _ hurt  _ by her again.”

He was a hardened warrior, had fought and crawled his way to be where he was. But this, this was different. This kind of pain ate up at him like nothing else. Cassian had never thought it possible, never would have believed someone if they had told him he would have a mate. He was a bastard born nobody who came to his place in the Night Court because Rhys dragged him from a cold tent and never let him go. He  _ had  _ a mate and he  _ found  _ her in this crazy world and during this crazy war. She was fire and made his soul light up. It was something he never would have thought he could get and now it was here, right within his grasp but just out of reach. And it killed him. It ate him up and he didn’t know if he could handle seeing her. Would he forgive her? No, no he wouldn’t because he knew she wouldn’t even attempt to apologize. Why would she? She was unmoving, unfeeling. 

Cassian knew that wasn’t true, knew deep in his heart that she felt more than anyone else he had ever met. She built up her icy walls to keep them all out, to shield her precious heart from the hard world. But he had thought that it was different with him, after Hybern he was sure that it was different.  _ Something  _ had to be different.

And then the  _ wings.  _ Nesta hadn’t felt like she could come to him, she hadn’t trusted him. She was prideful but she should have  _ trusted  _ him. Hadn’t he been there for her all the times that it really counted? Hadn’t he  _ proved  _ to her that he would never  _ judge _ her or  _ belittle  _ her? Yes, he challenged her but that didn’t mean that he wouldn’t be  _ there for her,  _ wouldn’t stop everything to help her.

”I should have given her up a long time ago.” The words escaped his mouth in a whisper. He should have, but _could he have?_  Didn’t he have to at least _try?_ He had tried, he _had_. He tried and tried and tried and what did it get him other than pain and more pain.

A light hand on his shoulder snapped him out of his thoughts, Azriel’s concerned eyes boring into his before he pulled him into a hug. The touch was welcome and comforting, grounded him in the reality of his family. He had them, he could be happy with them. They were all he needed, all he had needed for centuries. 

But if Nesta would be there tonight, if Nesta was going to be around for  _ eternity.  _ Could he handle it? Could he deal with being around her and not being able to  _ be  _ with her?

“It will work out, brother.” Azriel mumbled, still gripping onto Cassian’s shoulders tightly. “It always does.”

 

-

 

Mor cornered Cassian in the hallway before the rest of the Inner Circle gathered for dinner, minus Amren as she was still nestled away somewhere in the Summer Court. 

“What do you need me to do?” Mor asked, resting a light hand on his upper arm. 

“I’m fine.” He grit out. This was how it was going to be, everyone walking on eggshells, looking at him like he was about to break.

“Cass, please. Let me help.”

“ _ I’m fine.  _ Don’t defend me to  _ her,  _ it never helps.” Mor rolled her eyes at that, her protective instincts flaring when it came to him. “You know how she is, it only makes it worse. I can handle it myself.”

Mor just nodded and pressed a kiss to his cheek, hovering on her toes for a second to press her cheek into his before pulling away. The easy affection she bestowed on him always warmed his heart. Mor had always been a constant in his life, giving out smiles and hugs and encouraging words as often as she could. She was a breath of fresh air and she made him feel like he could do this.  _ He could.  _ And he  _ would. _

Oh Cauldron, did he need a drink. Cassian made for the bar in the corner of the room as Rhys and Feyre stood off to the side. Feyre smirked at him and raised her own glass when he pivoted towards her. Elain and Nesta had yet to arrive and Cassian hoped that maybe they never would.

He closely monitored the door, waiting for the sound of footfalls or any other hint that the two sisters were approaching. He could do this, he had prepared himself for this. It was nothing, he could do it.  _ He could.  _ He had to, this was to be just the first of a million uncomfortable moments with her.

Cassian would spend an eternity ignoring her, ignoring the feelings that bloomed deep within his heart and nestled comfortably within his soul. It wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t. They had found each other across worlds, across cultures and despite the great length of time that had separated their lives. They had found each other but that meant  _ nothing.  _ It didn’t mean a thing. 

When two sets of steps sounded through the hall that led to the large dining room Cassian was surprised to hear the slight rustling of wings. He had forgotten like a damned fool. She had  _ wings.  _ How could he look at her? How could he see her sit in front of him with Illyrian wings? She had been  _ made  _ for him, and now this. It was too much,  _ too much. _

Cassian felt his own shoulders tense when her gaze flicked to him as soon as she stepped into the room, he could feel it. He could feel her eyes like they were daggers thrown his way. He gripped his glass a little tighter and huffed out a heavy breath.

He wouldn’t do it, wouldn’t give her the time of the day. She didn’t deserve him and he didn’t deserve to be hurt by her the way he did. Mates be damned, she wasn’t his problem anymore.

  
  


 

Nesta 

 

He wouldn’t look at her, showed no acknowledgement of her presence other than a slight tensing of his shoulders and the stark contrast of his white knuckles on the tumbler of rich brown liquid. Nesta swallowed the lump in her throat and backed towards the door slowly. Her wings bumped into the wall behind her and she couldn’t stop the yelp that escaped her mouth. The conversation in the room ceased and all eyes shot to her, all except his. Her cheeks warmed and she balled her fists tightly beside her, pulling her wings in tighter to her body and trying to ignore the ache that wracked through her back.

“You should soak your wings and back, Nesta.” Feyre chided, a small smile on her lips to convey her playful tone.

“I  _ can’t _ get in a bathtub.” Nesta grit out, grinding her teeth together. “You know that.”

Feyre’s face went slightly white and the room stood still and silent. Nesta’s heart stuttered at her reaction and she winced slightly, hating herself for how quickly she resorted to anger and biting words. 

“I’m sorry,” Nesta breathed, looking up at the ceiling and letting out a deep breath. “I didn’t mean- I’m trying to-”

Her eyes wandered down to survey the room and let them fall on Cassian, his gaze still deliberately turned from her. “I’ll try it, Feyre. Thank you.” 

Feyre nodded and Rhysand smiled dryly as his hand rested on her hip. The ease in which they stood in each other’s embrace made her swallow harshly. Nesta wanted that, she wanted that comfort and familiarity. Her gaze moved to Cassian again, unable to keep her eyes off of him. His shoulders were hunched and he was enthusiastically gulping down the drink in his hand and moving to get another from the bar. 

“Let’s eat.” Mor sang, her cheery voice echoing through the room and through Nesta’s thoughts. She hung back as the rest of them found their seats, waiting to see how they would all arrange themselves and where that would leave her. Azriel hung back as well, his eyes on her as they all slid into different places. He obviously planned on running interference between her and his brother. 

It warmed her heart that he was so protective of Cassian, in the same way that Cassian was protective of him. That’s what he deserved, people that cared for him and nurtured him, not people who tore him down and hurt him,  _ not her. _

Feyre sat at the head of the table, Rhys to her left and Elain to her right. Mor sat at the other end while Cassian took the seat to her right. That left a seat next to Cassian and the two across the table from him, between Mor and Elain. Azriel hesitated for a second before slipping into the seat between Rhys and Cassian. Nesta gulped, eyeing the two chairs left, both facing him. Nesta chose the seat next to Elain, which put her across from Azriel and right within Cassian’s unavoidable eyeline.

He shifted in his seat, turning from her and engaging Mor in conversation as the food appeared in heaps on the table. Rhys grumbled something to Azriel while Elain and Feyre got lost in conversation.

Nesta sat in the middle of it all, an outsider in their tight knit group of friends.

This had been a terrible idea, she was an idiot to think that this would be anything other than a train wreck.

They all filled their plates as her eyes stayed locked on her empty one. She felt terrible, horrible, absolutely gutted but she deserved it. She deserved every ache and pain and discomfort that came her way. She had brought it upon herself. 

Nesta had filled her life with bitterness and pain and hardship and she had been a fool to think that her future could be anything except such. The conversation with Elain about flying had warmed her soul and made her ache for a future that was beyond her reach. 

Elain scooped some food onto Nesta’s plate, placing a gentle hand on her forearm and greeting her with a tentative smile when she looked up.  _ Thank you, _ Nesta mouthed, knowing she wouldn’t be able to squeak out the words. 

She shifted her fork around the plate, pushing the food from side to side as a chorus of voices and clinking silverware filled the room. She couldn’t help but tune into Cassian and Mor to her right, not listening to what they said but to the deep cadence of his voice. It calmed her, centered her to hear him there. She only wished he would laugh, if only she could hear his booming laugh and see his wide smile, then she would know that everything was okay, that he was okay. But maybe he wasn’t. Maybe she had been so horrid that it would take him a long time to come back from it. 

She shook the thought from her mind, he couldn’t. He  _ shouldn’t  _ be this affected by her. But if he was, did it mean she had a chance to make this right? Was there a chance that they could work past this?

Nesta’s eyes flicked up to look at him over the mounded platters of food. Cassian’s eyes were narrowed on her but they quickly shifted away when he caught her gaze. 

Azriel cleared his throat, pulling both Cassian and Nesta’s focus to him. 

“So Nesta, Elain tells me you wish to learn how to fly.” Azriel spoke, his voice quiet and smooth. Cassian scoffed loudly before pushing his chair back and stalking toward the bar in the corner of the room to refill his glass.

Nesta nodded at Azriel, “I would like to eventually. But for now I would just like to  _ not  _ feel like I’ve been hit by a boulder every time I move an inch.”

“Your muscles are overworked, for sure.” Azriel replied, his tone serious. “Feyre had the advantage of being able to only summon wings for a short amount of training and then letting her muscles recoup, you were thrown right into the deep end.”

Rhys nodded at that enthusiastically. “I’m glad you’re considering training, Nesta. We’ve hit a wall trying to figure out how to get rid of them, it might be a long road ahead of you.”

“A painful one.” Feyre added.

Nesta only grunted in response, playing with her food with her silverware. She couldn’t meet their eyes, didn’t want to see the pitying or hatred filled glances they were most definitely shooting her. “I deserve all the pain I will bear, it will not stop me from working hard.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t have messed with something you know nothing about.” Cassian barked, staring down at his food. “Must be so horrible for you to be an  _ Illyrian  _ now. As if you even deserve to be called such.”

The words cost the air from her lungs. How could she have forgotten what she had said to him, the horrible things she implied about his lineage. She was selfish, so selfish. She never meant to hurt him, had spit barbed words to rile him up and light that flame in his eyes. But the words had stuck and he didn’t know, didn’t know what she thought of him. He didn’t know how much she admired him, his strength, his wings, his perseverance and never ending fire. “That’s not-“ She started before being interrupted.

“No, no. None of that.” Mor scoffed as the room remained silent. Nesta looked up to see her waving a hand dismissively, “I can see that you are trying, Nesta. And I appreciate it. We  _ all  _ appreciate it.”

She had to get out of here, needed to get out of here. She didn’t know how to deal with it, how to process any of this. She didn’t know how to be meek or kind, she knew barbed responses and hard stares. Nesta knew nothing about surrendering to her emotions, she had no clue to how express all the thoughts and feelings that flooded through her mind.

Elain reached a hand over to cover hers and squeezed lightly. 

“Yes, let’s all coddle Nesta while she treats us like dirt. That sounds like a great  _ waste  _ of our time.” Cassian grumbled, pushing out of his chair and throwing his fork down on his half full plate.

“Cassian.” Rhys barked, bracing his hands on the table to push himself out of his seat. 

Nesta pushed out of her chair, body shrieking in pain. “No, he’s right.”

Cassian growled and stormed around the table, brushing past a rising Mor and bee lining to the door. Nesta stumbled after him, reaching for his arm. She didn’t know what to do, didn’t know what to say to get him to stay, to get him to just  _ listen  _ to her. If he would look at her, if he would just look in her eyes and  _ see  _ how sorry she was. If he could feel what she couldn’t convey with words.

“Cassian-”

He pulled out of her grasp like she had burned him and the harsh look he narrowed on her had Nesta backing away a step.

“Why? Why would you tell all of them? Let  _ all  _ of them in but me? I thought-” Cassian’s eyes widened as his voice cracked on the last word. Nesta reached a hand towards him instinctually as he cringed away from her, shaking his head and darting out the door.

Just like that he was gone. The pain in his voice ate at her, leaving her feeling raw and exposed. Nesta pulled her wings in tightly, lifted her chin and turned to face the others as they awkwardly shifted in silence.  _ Well, fuck.  _


	7. The Rage

Nesta

 

Nesta had to go after him, she _had_ to. She couldn’t let him storm off again and not see him until the next uncomfortable group gathering days or weeks later. She hadn’t run after him the first time because she had been physically incapable of doing so, but what was her excuse now?

Nesta started after him, ignoring the pain in her body. She could handle it, she had to, it was nothing compared the the emotional pain that had flooded her this past week. Her wings rustled behind her lightly and the constant ache remained in her back as she hustled down the hallway after his hulking form.

“Cassian, wait!” Nesta yelled after him, watching his whole body tense at the sound of her voice. He quickened his pace, his large powerful legs breaking into an even larger stride towards the main entryway that led out to the street.

Cassian burst through the large doors of the manor onto the front walkway and opened his wings wide, preparing for take off. Nesta stumbled after him, barely making it to the doorway before he had taken to the air. She had to _try,_ what if this was her only chance?

Nesta threw her wings out and beat them once, screaming at the agony that overtook her body as she crumpled to the ground. She couldn’t do it, she couldn’t chase after him. She had failed so horribly, it was a disaster. This whole night, this whole week, her _whole life,_ it was a never ending disaster.

  


-

 

Cassian

 

Cassian had never seen her so vulnerable and it infuriated him. How dare she do this to him and make him feel bad for her? He used his centuries of training to tamp down on the instincts that made him want to wrap her up in his arms and comfort her. The whimper she had emitted when she had bumped her wings earlier had made his heart drop and he swore he could feel the faint ache in his own wings. And when she had tried to apologize to him at the end of the night, he couldn’t _do it._ Cassian knew he couldn’t hear her out because he would forgive her, _he would._ It took everything in him to not gawk at her all night. She was different, so different. He had expected her to be angry or bitter about the wings, he had assumed she would be desperate for some sort of solution to get rid of them. But she hadn’t, she had seemed remorseful and maybe even hopeful. He couldn’t take it anymore and had stormed out, pushing past them all after they _defended_ her so easily.

He knew Mor had only been making peace to save them all from the fight that would have broken out but Cassian couldn’t help but feel hurt by it. Had he been painted as the bad guy in all of this? Snapping at her and seeming to be the only one who didn’t want to help her, who didn't want her happy or safe or not in pain. He did want that for her, it was all he wanted for her but Cassian wanted her to be happy _with_ him.

He couldn’t look at her and couldn’t deal with the sight of her and what it did to him. So he left, it seemed like it was all he could do around her recently. His feeling were such a raging war inside his mind that all he felt capable of doing was trying to escape.

Cassian had nearly fallen out of the sky when he heard her wings snap out and her pained scream as she had tried to fly after him. She had fought to get to him, had fought _for_ him, in more ways than she ever did before. Nesta had come after him and the pain in her voice lanced through his heart. But could it be true? Could it be real that she felt bad, that she wanted to make things right with him? This whole time he had been reminding himself that he was better off without her, that the pain that she put him through wasn’t worth any good that could come of them being together. But that didn’t stop Cassian from _wanting_ to be with her. It didn’t stop the ache and longing that lanced through him at every thought of her. His heart and his stupid instincts overshadowed all possible logic in this situation.

Cassian had reassured himself and his decision based off the assumption that she would remain mad at him, that it all would be a fight. But he had been wrong, she had tried to apologize, had tried to be nicer to him even as he didn’t extend the courtesy to her.

The wind whipped around him and he once again beelined to his small apartment on the other side of Velaris. The sounds of the city filled the air as people went on with their lives all around him. Cassian fought the urge to turn back, to check if Nesta was okay and accept her apology with open arms. But he didn’t, and he couldn’t. She would eventually get sick of handing out kind words and sweet smiles. He knew her enough to know that this couldn’t last very long. He had seen the pattern with his own two eyes. They had shared a world-changing and heart-breaking few moments during the war with Hybern, where she peppered him with love and adoration and undeniable strength. But things had gone back to “normal”, she had quickly reverted to clipped words and harsh looks when it was clear the both of them would live.

It was what she was doing now. The sight of him hurt or dying was what pained her most, and the second he forgave her and things went back to being normal she would revert to being harsh and cold.

He wouldn’t do it. Cassian wouldn’t give in to her.

The pain of ignoring her, of pushing her away, was bad. But wasn’t it easier because he was the one in control? Wasn’t it better to be the one _choosing_ to ignore rather than being ignored?

Cassian huffed at the thoughts that swarmed his head, circling around his small apartment and backtracking towards the House of Wind. He needed to fight, needed to punch and kick and push all his anger out through his fists. His red siphons throbbed with power as his aggression built and built with every thought.

When Cassian touched down on the roof of the House of Wind he felt lost. He didn’t seem to know who he was, or who he had become. Nesta had stormed into his life and changed it irrevocably. He hadn’t been able to deny the pull he had towards her when she was a human. She was magnetic, strong willed and sharp tongued. She had felt like a challenge to be conquered, a puzzle to be solved. He had always loved strategy and war and she was another battle to rage. When Nesta had been forced into that Cauldron and changed to Fae, it had altered his world and altered her place in it. She was no longer just a puzzle to solve but a piece of himself that needed to be discovered, the tug that pulled him toward her had turned into a _need_ to be around her. And when she had summoned wings, the dynamic had shifted again. His feelings had turned from a longing and ache to full out gut-wrenching pain.

She had pushed him away many times, had built and rebuilt her walls so high he could hardly see over them. But this rejection stung deeper and more painful than ever before.

Was it the wings? Had his instincts gone haywire just seeing her with wings and seeing her go through pain _because_ of the wings?

Was this the mating bond solidifying more because she had altered her entire being to become more like _him?_

Each thought sent his fist flying harder and harder toward the punching bag that lay in front of him, the leather and metal groaning with each hit. Thoughts of her swarmed through his head and Cassian fought to push them away. Nesta was going to _keep_ the wings and wanted to train and learn to _fly._ He couldn’t imagine it, didn’t want to let himself imagine it. The thoughts would tear him apart piece by piece. She had scoffed at Illyrians, spewing out any insult she could think of and now she wanted to fly. Now she suddenly wanted to be a part of it all, to fly like she had any _right_ to it.

Cassian had known she hadn’t meant the insults though, he knew deep down that she cringed at her own hateful words every time they flew out of her mouth. He knew it was all she knew how to do, she had built a life around hiding her own fragile feelings behind an obsidian wall. Could he forgive her? Could he let her back in? Could he forgive himself for pushing her to the point where she hid from him and didn’t trust him? Seeing her tonight had ripped him apart. She was meek and mild, afraid and in pain, so utterly unlike herself it was hard to see. Had he done this? Had his actions been the one to ruin her so terribly.

No, he wouldn’t do it. He wouldn’t allow himself to be manipulated by her. She wouldn’t force him to feel responsible for _her_ mistakes. Not this time.

“You’re really going through it.” Rhys’ voice rumbled behind him, causing Cassian to startle and whip around towards his brother. “You’re shouting at me really with those weak shields you have in place.”

Cassian glowered, turning back towards the punching bag and ignoring Rhysand’s comments.

“You shouldn’t blame yourself, Cass.”

The rooftop was almost silent as he kept his back turned, only the sound of his fists connecting with the hard leather echoed in front of him.

**_I am here for you, brother._ **Rhys’ voice bounded through his mind before Cassian strengthened the shields that kept him out.

“You don’t know shit about what I’m going through.” Cassian grumbled, fists still flying in rage.

“Ah, yes.” Rhys’ replied, stepping next to the punching bag and leaning a shoulder against it as it rocked slightly. “I know nothing about having a mate who wants nothing to do with you. I know nothing of watching the female you love suffer and being unable to act upon the instincts that tell you to go to her and comfort her. You’re right, I know nothing of the sorts.”

Cassian’s fists froze, stopped in his tracks as the words cleaved through him. Rhys was right, he was an idiot to think that he was alone in this, that no one would understand the pain he was going through.

“I’m sorry, I-”

“It’s fine, Cassian. Let me be here for you, like you were for me.” Rhys said, placing a warm hand on his shoulder.

“Seeing her tonight, I-”

“I know.”

“She seemed so remorseful, I couldn’t bear it.” Cassian choked out, a feeling of shame flooding his ever sense.

Rhys only nodded, leading Cassian to the stone bench that rested against a side of the house. “When Feyre and I fought after we went to the court of nightmares that first time, she regretted it. She stooped for a low blow and instantly regretted it. I could hear it in her voice and it hurt me more than her words had.

“Thinking she was sorry, that she cared for me in the slightest- It was hard. I couldn’t let myself feel that kind of hope. I didn’t want to believe that maybe she _did_ care for me as much as I cared for her.”

Rhys took a deep breath and rested a hand on top of Cassian’s sore knuckles, “But she did care, Cassian. And we went to hell and back before we were on the same page, but it was worth it. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t simple but what we found together was _real._ We worked for it and found our love for each other was stronger _because_ of it.”

Cassian huffed. _They_ would never have what Rhys and Feyre had, Cassian was sure of it. He couldn’t imagine that Nesta would ever let him in so fully, trust him so completely and give herself to him so willingly. It wasn’t worth getting his hopes up for nothing. _Nothing._

“I’m not saying you should just forgive her. I think you both have a long way to go before you trust each other, and your own feelings, but I don’t think you should shut her out. You shouldn’t rule out a future with her, Cass, not completely.”

“We’re not good for each other. That’s clear.”

“Is it?”

Cassian scoffed at that. It was _clear._ It seemed crystal clear that nothing would come of a future with her except pain and more pain.

Rhys fidgeted with his hands, pulling Cassian’s attention to them as they twisted around one another. They fell into a comfortable silence and Cassian leaned into Rhys slightly, finding comfort in having the solid weight next to him.

“You’re touch deprived.” Rhys chuckled.

“Prick.”

“Well, you are!”

Cassian huffed again, rolling his eyes and shoving him playfully. “You ruin everything, _you toad._ ”

Rhys’ laughter filled the air and a smile settled onto Cassian’s face. Maybe his brother was right, maybe all was not lost. Could he try again? Could he give Nesta the power to break him time and time again in hopes that one day she wouldn’t use it? Could he trust her with his heart? Was it worth it?

Cassian didn’t know, he _couldn’t_ know really. But when did he become one to balk at a challenge? When had he stopped being fearless and started hiding from pain? He had faced death and come back swinging every single time. And if she hurt him, if she rejected him once again, would the pain be any worse than what he felt now keeping her out?

“Is she- is she alright?” Cassian whispered, the sound of her pained screams echoing through his mind.

“She will be, Cassian.” Rhys said, “We all will be eventually. We have an eternity to figure it out.”

The words were meant to comfort him but they didn’t come close. _An eternity to figure it out._ And Cassian couldn’t help but be transported to that killing field and the words he swore _. I will find you in the next world - the next life. And we will have that time._

_An eternity._

Could he last that long without her?


	8. Just Another Story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading and your nice comments. I’m so excited about where this story is going. I’m sorry that it’s such a slow burn but we’re getting close to them reconciling. This fic won’t end when they make up, it’ll just be the beginning for them ❤️ Thank you for reading and hope you enjoy!

Nesta

 

The pain was a dull throb as Feyre winnowed Nesta back to her apartment, having them land softly on the bed. Feyre had run after her at the manor, Rhys and Mor hot on her heels. She had scooped Nesta up in her strong arms and winnowed them away without a single word to the others. Nesta knew that Feyre had gotten her out quickly as a courtesy, keenly aware of how much she hated her pain and vulnerability being on full display.

“Thank you.” Nesta said as Feyre waved her off with a flick of the wrist.

“We still have to talk about you winnowing here after summoning your wings.” Feyre said, her eyebrows raise inquisitively “That’s an impressive feat.”

“Don’t expect me to be able to do it again.” Nesta grumbled, “I think it was a one time deal like the wings. I panicked and needed to escape and just  _ did  _ it.”

She settled into the bed with Feyre next to her and let her pained wings flop out beside her. Feyre quietly left her side and went to rummage around in the bathroom, retrieving the tin of salve that Azriel had brought her that first day. She was supposed to rub it into her wings and back but didn’t have the reach to do it herself and didn’t have the nerve to ask someone else to help her. Even Elain.

The guilt settled deep into her gut and Nesta felt like she was taking advantage of them. Of  _ all  _ of them. They offered her kindness so freely after she had treated them  _ all  _ terribly for so long. She had blamed Feyre for so many things beyond her control and felt a deep shame that it had taken her so long to extend any sort of kindness to any of them. 

Feyre scooped some of the minty salve from the tin and moved to hover over Nesta’s aching wings and sore back. The feeling of Feyre’s cold hands on her warm skin made her jump but she quickly settled into the bed as the tentative touch instantly helped her.  

Feyre worked the muscles in her neck and around the base of her wings before moving carefully to the wings themselves. She ran thumb up both bases of her wings, pushing hard on the muscle and bone. A moan escaped Nesta’s mouth suddenly at the feeling and heat flared through her, painting her face and neck in a bright red. 

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what-”

“It’s fine.” Feyre chuckled, continuing her playful massage. “They’re very sensitive aren’t they.” 

Nesta mumbled a response into the pillow and Feyre wiggled her eyebrows and blew Nesta a playful kiss. “If you want a certain Illyrian to do this, I can go get him.”

“Don’t even.”

Feyre sat silently for a few moments, still working the tense muscles.

“I know you might be holding onto hope for a solution to this but you might be stuck with wings forever, Nesta. You should work to strengthen them and yourself. He can train you. He’s patient and kind and really does care about-”

“No-“ Nesta cut her off, shaking her head to push away the tears that built in her eyes.

“He will hardly look at me,” Nesta scoffed, her gut clenching at the memory of his hard stare and quick averting eyes. “He won’t want to train me.”

“He cares about you.” Feyre whispered, pushing a knuckle into the knot in her shoulder. Nesta huffed loudly, not believing Feyre for a second. He didn’t care about her, not anymore.

“He just needs time.” Feyre adds, her voice quiet and sad. “He’s hurt.”

“Yeah, I know. I did  _ that _ .”

Feyre kept silent, her soft hands running up and down the top length of her wings, working on the tight muscles that surrounded the bone. Nesta bit her tongue and pushed down on the heat that had started to build in her core. It was instinct,  _ pure brute instinct _ she told herself. Nesta tried to push the feeling away, trying to think about anything other than the sensitive flesh that Feyre kneaded between her fingertips. The rough calluses on Feyre’s hands scratched against an overly sensitive part of her wing and Nesta closed her eyes dreamily. She remembered Cassian’s rough hands, strewn with callouses, gripping hers on that bloody battlefield as they waited for death. She thought of all the times his rough hands brushed against hers almost absentmindedly and Nesta could almost imagine it was him that had his hands all over her wings. Nesta’s arousal grew and a small laugh flitted from Feyre in response to the ever-growing scent.

“Feyre,” Nesta groaned in embarrassment. 

“Sorry, Ness. I get it, really.” Feyre replied, bracing herself on either side of Nesta’s body as she pushed herself off of the bed. “Let me show you the movements you should be practicing.”

Feyre stepped more towards the center of the apartment and a look of concentration crossed her face. A second later, large Illyrian wings sprouted out of her back and fluttered behind her. Feyre pulled them in tight, the claws at the apex looming hauntingly directly above her head. She rustled them back out, pulling in and pushing out, her wings shaking out for a second before snapping back in tight to her body. She did this a few times before stretching her wings out fully and twisting the tips. Feyre’s face was tight with concentration as she twisted and stretched her wings every which way. Nesta watched in awe as Feyre mastered the movements and looked like a regal killing machine.

_ Could she look like that? Strong and beautiful and graceful.  _ Nesta wanted to try it herself but the pain kept her cemented in bed. She wanted to stretch and push her wings out, the urge to move her wings overtaking the urge that had resided between her legs moments earlier. Nesta felt giddy and excited and nodded vigorously when Feyre asked if she understood all the stretches. 

“Just keep flexing them and moving them as much as you can but don’t exert yourself. You don’t want to damage the muscles beyond repair. You strained your muscles in the beginning there so you’ll have to baby them now or call for a healer if it gets bad. Try to keep them in as tight as you can and try not to let them drag on the floor.” Feyre relayed, her wings sucked back into whatever void she kept them in. “You should leave the apartment or at least try to move more to strengthen the rest of your body. If you’re thinking of training it’ll be good to get a head start to ease your body into it. It’ll be difficult but you will eventually be able to fly, especially with your determination.”

_ Determination,  _ it was a nice way to say that she was stubborn as an angry mule. Nesta nodded and smiled at Feyre, she was trying, they  _ both  _ were trying.

Nesta had messed up horribly, she had sprouted wings out of anger and pure selfishness. While she moaned and groaned about how much it had changed her life, Nesta was still glad for it. She had connected with Feyre  _ more  _ in these past few days than she had in years, maybe ever.

They were working towards a future together and they  _ would  _ get it. Even if she could never be with Cassian, she had  _ this.  _ She had two sisters who loved her and an entire future and life to share with them.

“Thank you,” Nesta said, reaching a hand out to grab Feyre’s. Feyre let her take it and sat down gingerly by Nesta’s head. Feyre’s other hand started to travel through Nesta’s hair lightly. The movement was so familiar and comforting and Nesta could cry from how careful and loving it was. “For  _ everything _ .”

Feyre only nodded, her bright blue eyes lined in silver and red. Nesta squeezed the hand that was still locked with hers and rubbed a thumb over the top of Feyre’s palm. Nesta glanced down, tracing a finger over the dark swirls of Feyre’s tattoos. She couldn’t stop the question from escaping her lips the second it crossed her mind.

“Do you have to- Do all Illyrian mates get-”

Feyre’s eyes widened as she looked down at her own hand and up to Nesta.

“Mates” She whispered, a loaded statement and question.

Nesta’s eyes widened to match Feyre’s as they stared at each other in silence. The tension between them sparked brightly as Feyre opened and closed her mouth, seemingly unable to form words.

“I didn’t mean— I was just curious— I’m not— We’re not— It’s not—” Nesta rambled, as her cheeks flared a bright red and she pulled herself up into a sitting position to face her wide-eyed sister.

“Of course not.” Feyre nodded, getting up quickly and fidgeting with her hands. “Are you sure you understand all the stretches without trying them?”

Nesta nodded and slunk back under the sheets, her body still aflame as she hoped Feyre would leave as soon as possible. When she had asked about mates she never thought- and Feyre looked so  _ convinced. _

Nesta shook the thought from her mind, pushing it to a far corner to never be taken out again, not for a long time. She wouldn’t go there, wouldn’t let her mind and her heart revel in the relief that the word brought her. 

 

-

 

It had been nearly a week and Nesta had raced through every single novel she had in her possession, working through the crammed bookcase quicker than she thought she would. She had loved romance novels, adored them but they now made her uneasy. Happy endings suddenly made her gut twist with a strange longing while scenes of scorned lovers made her heart hurt. Nesta consumed herself with distant lands and fought to sink into the skin of richly written characters, but no matter what, her mind always ran back to Cassian. Their fight on the rooftop, his heartbreaking departure from her crowded apartment, the choked words he gave her before his final escape. Their lives were playing out like a dramatic book and Nesta only hoped that one day they would get their own happy ending. She tried to not weigh on it too heavily though, since it would be too good to be true.  _ Way too good to be true _ . While Cassian deserved the world and everything in it, Nesta deserved none of it. 

She knew, with great certainty, that it was unattainable. She wasn’t the hero in this story, and she knew who was.  _ He  _ was worthy of more than her. Nesta wasn’t going to win in the end, and she didn’t blame them. She didn’t blame the world  _ one bit  _ because if she was reading  _ this  _ story, she wouldn’t be rooting for  _ her  _ either.

In between books, Nesta took to the stairs. Up and down and up and down with her wings in tight, and when she was exhausted she kept going and going until she collapsed in a heap on her bed. She pushed her wings out and pulled them in, twisting slightly to feel the strain of every muscle she could manage. She  _ would  _ do it. She would fly or at least  _ survive  _ with these wings. 

Nesta wouldn’t complain.  _ She wouldn’t.  _ She bore the brunt of the pain and basked in it. It was nice to  _ feel _ something other than a dread, the ache in her body a nice distraction from the constant feeling of hopelessness that followed her everywhere she went.

_ He cares about you.  _ Feyre’s words echoed in the forefront of Nesta’s mind. Did he?  _ Could  _ he care for her anymore? Did she even deserve it? She would try though, she would try as hard as she could. Nesta would show him she was determined and strong and that she wouldn’t balk from this. She would prove to him that she could take care of her wings and honor his culture. Nesta would do it. She  _ would. _

_ He can train you.  _ He could but would he? She didn’t want Rhysand or Feyre to have to order him to, she wanted him to  _ want  _ to train her. 

But her mind always wandered to the  _ tattoo _ and the way Feyre had said it,  _ mates.  _ Like it was a question and a realization, she had looked like a million puzzle pieces had finally settled together. 

_ Mates,  _ were they mates? She hadn’t meant the question like that, or did she? She was just curious. Nesta didn’t know if the tattoo she bore was expected from her in the same way that all Illyrians seemed to have the swirled tribal tattoos adorning their bodies.

Nesta had always felt a pull towards Cassian but was it because they were mates? He was a fire, an inferno.  _ A fire. _ Nesta gasped, the drawer that Feyre had painted. She drew fire for Nesta and stars for herself, because of their  _ mates?  _ Could she have sensed it all that time ago? No, Nesta had gotten flames because  _ she  _ was a raging fire, a devastating destructive force. 

Did he feel it? Nesta knew that Rhysand had felt their mating bond years before 

Feyre did. Was it the same? Was Cassian so hurt because they were  _ mates? _

She couldn’t get her hopes up, couldn’t let herself dive too deep into the thoughts that swarmed her mind. So she pace her apartment reading and climbed the stairs and flexed her wings into the dead of the night. Nesta sucked it up and filled her tub partway, resting just her back and her sore wings in the hot water, leaving her head and her chest out in the free cold air. She could do this, she wasn’t scared, she wasn’t drowning and she wasn’t in the Cauldron. Everything would be  _ fine,  _ she would be  _ fine.  _

Days quickly turned to night, only clear by the bright patches of light that danced through her room as the sun rose and set in her window. 

Elain stopped by now and then to bring her food or to just give her some company. Nesta always relayed what book she had been reading, explaining the plot points and gushing about her favorite characters while Elain watched her over a steaming cup of tea. Elain helped her with the salve each time, getting a new tin from the shadow singer when the first had run out. Her hands were always cool and light and worked only the muscles in her back that surrounded the wings.

“Azriel told me not to touch your wings.” Elain said one day, working her small thumbs into the muscles of Nesta’s shoulders. “He said that Illyrians are very sensitive and might act in defense of their wings.”

Nesta remained silent at this, swallowing the heavy idea that Azriel thought she would hurt her.

_ “ _ He didn’t know how much was instinct and how much was learned.” Elain continued.

“I wouldn’t hurt you.”

“I know.”

They lapsed into silence and Elain never brought it up again, but also never touched her wings once. Nesta was ashamed by how  _ careful  _ Elain seemed to be but also was glad. She couldn’t handle how  _ sensitive  _ the wings really were, especially now that she had felt calloused hands on her. It was so  _ euphoric,  _ and Nesta couldn’t imagine what it would be like if it was someone that she actually  _ was attracted to  _ touching her wings. A little bubble of hope rose at that thought, a small blip of a future of having wings and being  _ with him _ .

Today though, Elain came bearing a dress, it was emerald green and incredibly soft to the touch. She pushed it into Nesta’s hands with a warm smile.

“What is this for?”

“I got it custom made for you downtown, it has clasps to fit around your wings.”

Nesta stared down at the garment that hung limply in her hands. Tears welled in her eyes and she let them fall, for Elain, only for Elain. She had done this for her, had gone out of her way to have a dress custom made for her.

“Why?”

“Well, we’re all meeting up for dinner at the manor and-”

“Elain-” Nesta groaned, crossing her arms across her chest and narrowing her eyes. “I’m not doing that again.”

“Please, Nesta.” Elain begged, her bottom lip jutting out in a pout. “It won’t be bad, I promise.”

Nesta just narrowed her eyes even further.

“I bought you a dress though!”

Nesta looked down at the deep green dress, her fingers absentmindedly brushing against the soft fabric. Elain had shown up, time and time again, as had Feyre. And she would do this, for them, for  _ him. _

“ _ Fine. I’ll go.” _


	9. Listen to Me

Cassian

 

Cassian found himself in front of a mirror, checking his hair and his well-pressed tunic as he prepared to depart for the manor for their weekly dinner. He was a fool to be so diligent with his clothes and to even  _ care  _ what  _ Nesta  _ would think when she saw him later that night.

But he wanted her to see him in all his glory, maybe it was in hopes that she would find him desirable and  _ regret  _ what she had done or maybe it was just to rub in her face how  _ fine  _ he was without her. He wasn’t  _ fine  _ but he hoped the illusion would hold in her presence. He could do this, he would have to face her time and time again for the rest of eternity, so he needed to get used to it and soon. Cassian knew he would never hear the end of it from his brothers if they couldn’t have at least one civil conversation.

He would  _ try  _ to work things out with her but only if she seemed willing to as well. She would have to initiate it, he would not lower himself to grovel with her as she glared at him unflinching, not again. But he would not give up,  _ no _ . Maybe it would take him minutes, or years, but he hoped that some day they would come to trust each other. They could be acquaintances or friends or  _ more.  _ The last seemed unlikely, despite her declarations on that battlefield a million lifetimes, she had made it clear that she had no outward desire for him.

As much as he had scented her arousal when they had fought, had sensed her desire for him, she refused to act on it. She had always refused to give him the light of day. It was just how it was with them.

Maybe that would be how it would be forever. He could deal with that, could deal with her barbed words and her calculated blows. He just  _ needed  _ to fight with her, it would center him. Her meek nature and regretful eyes unsteadied him. And no matter how many times Cassian had hoped that she would soften for him, he found it unnerving for her to actually act that way. It wasn’t her. It wasn’t  _ his Nesta  _ when she acted like that.

_ His Nesta.  _ He scoffed to himself. She wasn’t  _ his  _ anything, he didn’t have a goddamn thing. It was a fact he would have to get used to, a fate he would accustom himself to in the years to come.

Cassian sauntered out of his apartment and took to the streets. His wings were newly cleaned and shining, the claws glistening like opals as they poised high above his head. He would tell the others that he walked to keep them clean when in reality he was stretching this journey out. He would take the long way through the winding streets and across the Sidra just so he could put off this dinner a minute longer. 

The streets bustled around him as he made his way past the various shops and restaurants that were teeming with people. Various fae nodded in his direction in acknowledgement when he passed and Cassian inclined his head in response, pasting a smile on his face even though he knew it looked grim. Vendors and shopkeepers he was familiar with hadn’t mentioned anything the past week, but Cassian knew they all noticed his sour mood. He could see it in the way they looked at him and how their bodies moved uncomfortably in his presence. He had always been boisterous and free with smiles and kind greetings but he  _ couldn’t  _ do it. He just couldn’t.

They all probably thought it was due to his duties as the Commander, and boy, would they laugh if they knew it was all due to a  _ female.  _  A hotheaded, self righteous, beautiful female.

His legs carried him quickly through town, his mind consumed in thought as he followed the familiar path to Feyre and Rhys’ new manor. 

A head of braided light brown hair between two Illyrian wings bobbed up ahead of him in the sea of people and Cassian’s heart jumped to his throat.  _ There she was.  _ Walking ahead of him in the direction of the manor, her wings were held high behind her and the meek winged female she had been the other day seemed gone. Cassian slowed his pace, he couldn’t do this, he wasn’t ready. He hadn’t prepared himself to see her with wings, it was like his brain would purposely forget only to throw him in a tailspin when it suddenly remembered. 

The manor loomed on the other side of the Sidra and Cassian found himself occupied with a vendor that was selling small handmade bowls, designed specifically to crush or grind herbs. Cassian didn’t care. Really, he would have never stopped at this vendor but he needed to stall. He needed time for Nesta to enter the manor and settle in before he could go there and face her or his watchful brothers. 

Cassian paid for a small spiked bowl in which the shop owner told him was perfect for grinding garlic into a paste. He would give it to Feyre as a hostess gift, even though she would balk at the notion. 

His feet carried him towards the manor faster than he had hoped, the stone path to the front door taking him past lush flower bushes and small trees that Elain planted and tended to. 

His boots clicked lightly against the marble entryway and a pang of pain shot through his body. This was where Nesta had tried to fly after him, and the pained cry that had shot from her mouth reverberated through his body. The memory stuck in the forefront of his mind, as if it was still happening. Cassian didn’t know if it was the bond or just how desperately tight she held his aching heart, but either way, the memory tore at him time and time again.

Elain and Nesta stood just inside the door of the dining room, chatting quietly while Azriel hung behind Elain silently. His brothers eyes shot to him and he nodded at his arrival, not moving from Elain’s side.

All eyes seemed to move towards him and the room suddenly became tense, the air stale and suffocating.

“Cassian.” Nesta said, her voice strong and her shoulders straight. She inclined her head at him, a slight dip of her neck before she was turning back to face Elain.

Cassian allowed himself to look at her for just a second. And damn, did that second almost kill him. She looked strong and  _ confident  _ and  _ cauldron,  _ he would never get used to seeing her with wings. It was everything his pathetic heart could ever wish for.

And there she was, feet from him, probably not giving him a thought other than to have his name cross her lips in greeting.

Cassian passed by the three of them to move onto the small balcony that hung off the dining room. He needed the fresh air. It calmed him. Centered him. The wind always feeling like a sweet caress on his skin. 

Feyre and Rhys moved to the balcony to greet him, sticking closely to each other’s side as if they didn’t spend every available moment together. 

“Cassian.” Rhys said.

“Brother.”

“Hello, Cass.” Feyre sang, slipping an arm around his middle and pulling him close. Cassian sank into the embrace, letting his arms fall around her in response. Rhys had been right, he  _ was  _ touch deprived. Feyre’s embrace threatened to put him over the edge, to make him crumble into a pile of nothing but grief. She pulled away, but not before slipping a hand into his pocket and pulling out the small spiky bowl he had bought her.

“What is—”

“It’s for herbs. I thought maybe you’d like it?”

“Really?” Rhys laughed, clapping a hand onto his shoulder and shaking his head with humor.

Cassian’s cheeks bloomed a bright red.  _ Gods,  _ what had he been thinking? If they didn’t already think he was acting like a nimwit, they would now. 

“Thank you, Cass.” Feyre smiled, grasping his hand lightly before turning back into the dining room. 

“Come on, I’ll pour you a strong one.”

The words were all Cassian needed to hear from Rhys’ before they were both heading for the well stocked bar in the corner of the room. Rhys poured a glass of whiskey almost to the top and handed it to him, smirking at Cassian’s wide eyes.

He downed a good portion of the drink in one long swig, unable to keep the grimace from his face as the sour liquor hit his throat and burned. Cassian looked over to see Feyre pouring Nesta some wine and he averted his eyes before finding the seat furthest away from her.

Mor sauntered into the dining room, murmuring an apology before popping down in one of the last open seats, next to Nesta. She looked up and met Cassian’s eyes, wiggling her eyebrow.  _ What a prick.  _ Almost as much as her cousin was. They all stuffed into dinner, the clinking of cutlery the only sound in the room. Rhys cleared his throat, placing his fork down on his plate. Cassian prepared himself for whatever damning thing that Rhys was going to say, praying it wouldn’t be about him and Nesta.

“So, my mischievous Elain, I saw someone taking a starlit flight a few nights ago when I was doing some stargazing on my balcony.” Rhys sang, a smug grin on his face as Elain’s cheeks bloomed red and Azriel choked softly on the sip of alcohol he had in his mouth. “Did you enjoy yourself?”

“Very much.” Elain mumbled, her head tilting down towards her plate to hide her red face. Cassian had to avoid rolling his eyes when he saw Azriel’s leg brush against hers under the table, the two of them had been almost inseparable as of late. Spending most their time in her riverside garden or staring into each other’s stupid eyes.

“Illyrian wings are beautiful.” Elain added shyly, “It’s an incredible experience to fly like that after living a lifetime stuck on ground. Right, Nesta?”

Nesta’s eyes widened and she swallowed the bite of food in her mouth, nodding lightly.

“They are. You can feel their power. And to fly with an Illyrian, it makes you feel as powerful as they are.”  A blush bloomed on her cheeks as her eyes locked with his, and Cassian swore he could see fire dance in her smoldering gaze.

A scoff huffed out of his mouth as he averted his eyes. She was making fun of him.  _ Of course she was.  _ Why had Cassian expected any different? She had always spit harsh words about him and his  _ pack of brutes _ as she called it. Did she expect him to forget that just because she was now stuck with  _ his  _ wings? He downed the rest of his drink and stuffed into the spicy lamb and rice that he had mounded on his plate. With his eyes down and his taste buds burning he could almost ignore that she was there,  _ almost.  _

Dinner passed quickly after that, everyone seeming to silently agree to ignore the uncomfortable air that hung in the room and dig into their food. Even Mor kept uncharacteristically silent.  _ Thank Cauldron. _ He could do this, eventually. He could find a way to ignore the stab of pain in his chest and carry on happy conversation with her around. At least once Nesta stopped saying stuff that grated at him like an open wound.

As they all finished their drinks and made plans for later that night, Elain leaned over towards Nesta and spoke softly before wishing everyone farewell and pulling Nesta with her out into the hallway. Cassian tried to stop himself from watching Nesta go but his eyes wouldn’t leave her winged form as they hustled from the room and Cassian swore he saw her turn and look at him the second before the doors swung shut behind them.

Conversation continued around him but Cassian couldn’t concentrate on it, he couldn’t seem to do  _ anything  _ recently. How had he let himself become so desperate and  _ lost.  _ He had to stop, had to pull himself out of this void. 

Azriel grabbed Cassian’s wrist before he could make a move to exit the room. A slight move of the shadow singers head was all he needed to know that Azriel wanted to talk to him privately. 

They walked slowly down the hallway but Azriel didn’t say a word, taking them towards the wide open doors that led down to the moonlit garden. He pulled his wings in tight and revelled in the feeling of the cool night air as it surrounded him completely.

Azriel waltzed through the garden, following a curved pathway that hugged a line of cherry blossom trees. And Cassian faltered when he saw that Elain and Nesta stood up ahead, Nesta’s hand buried in the huge leaves of a large hosta plant.

“Well, we’ll leave you to it.” Elain chirped, fleeing the garden quickly with a treacherous Azriel in tow. Cassian could hardly believe he had fallen for it, not seeing the plan playing out when Elain had hustled Nesta out of the dining room minutes before Azriel did the same to him. Anger and fear raged within him, threatening to boil over.

As they left, Nesta turned from the large leaves and saw him there, her eyes wide and scared.

 

 

~

Nesta

 

The dinner was a disaster, just like Nesta expected. Cassian was short with her, not seeming to want to talk to her, look at her or even be around her. She had been so nervous the entire time, her stomach twisting and leaping in response to his harsh looks. He was right to ignore her, justified in his deep hatred for her. And Nesta would deal with it, she would swallow it and live with it. It was her fault, her doing entirely.

When dinner concluded, Elain leaned in close to Nesta and asked her to accompany her to her gardens. She had something new to show Nesta, something exciting. Nesta couldn’t do anything but nod and follow her sister out of the tense room. She could feel his hard eyes on her as she left and before she was out the door, Nesta snuck one final look at Cassian over her shoulder. The sight took her breath away, devastation was written all over his face.

She gulped down an uneasy breath as she followed Elain through the wide hallways and out towards her beloved garden. The air was rich with perfumed flower smells and the breeze shook lightly through the trees. Nesta closed her eyes and basked in the smells and the sounds that flowed all around her. Back when they were mortal, Nesta never understood why Elain loved to garden so much. She never understood her need to always be surrounded by nature, to care for and nurture these plants even in the harshest of weather. But here, in this breezy peaceful garden, Nesta understood it. 

They passed bright blooming cherry trees and Nesta couldn’t help but run her fingers lightly over their soft petals as they passed. A large leafy plant grabbed her attention, like some weed that belonged in the garden of a giant. She ran her hands over the large leaves, feeling the waxy surface glide under her sensitive fae fingers.

“Well, we’ll leave you to it.” Elain sang, picking her skirts up and hustling quickly past her.

_ We. You.  _ Nesta turned to see Elain and Azriel retreating from the garden, leaving her alone with a glowering Cassian. Her eyes grew wide with shock and she fought to steady her racing heart. Of course Elain had meddled and forced them to be here together, always trying to be the peacekeeper. Nesta’s instinct was to flee, to hide, to not show him all the vulnerable parts of her. But where had that gotten her before?  _ No where.  _ She hadn’t been shielding her heart by hiding from him, she had been flaying it open.

Maybe Nesta had done it wrong all her life, maybe she had been hopeless to see what real pain could be. But she understood now, or she  _ thought  _ she did. Vulnerability didn’t have to hurt,  _ no.  _ Not with people that you love and that loved you back. The thought rang through her mind and soul and sang in it’s truth. True pain came from denying that vulnerability, so she would do it, she would give it all. If just for  _ him.  _

“Hey.” She said.  _ Lame. So lame.  _ Why couldn’t she find the right words? Why couldn’t she just  _ say  _ what she wanted to say and what she  _ knew  _ he wanted to hear? It seemed like the words would get lodged in her throat for the rest of eternity.

Cassian had turned and kept his back to her, his shoulders heaving up and down with harsh breaths. He was going to  _ leave.  _

“ _ Cassian. _ ” Nesta begged, just needing him to turn around and  _ look _ at her. That was all she needed, just to see his  _ face.  _ To look at him and apologize. She had to do it, to lay her heart out there for him. Just  _ once _ . It was all she could do to stop the neverending sorrow that consumed her soul.

Nesta sucked in a breath, reaching for the large neverending dam that held it all back. And she just let it go, let the words flow out of her like raging waters.

“If you’re not going to talk to me than just listen. You better listen because I’m only going to say this once. I’m going to mean every damned word but I won’t say it again.

“I’m sorry. I was angry at myself and ashamed and didn't even want Elain to tell Azriel or Feyre let alone have all of them in my apartment. And I couldn’t stomach being that vulnerable around them, most of all you.” The words weighing heavy on her soul, but she felt his deep hazel eyes piercing into her as he turned around. “Especially you.

“I’m prideful to a fault and I’m sorry I hurt you but I’m not sorry about who I am it’s-” She hesitated, the words feeling wrong. But she can’t stop, not now. Tears gathered in her eyes and she felt the a lump rise into her throat.

“I should have trusted you, I know that now. I should have said something on that roof top but I didn't and I should have known— If I had known we would be here now and not even able to  _ look  _ at each other I never would have—.

“Cassian, I should have known.” She breathed, looking up to stare into his eyes. He just kept looking at her, not saying anything but not storming off, not leaving her here with her thoughts and her aching heart. “I should’ve known how much it would hurt you. But I didn’t. And you— You deserve better, Cassian.”

His stony facade faltered at that as he seemed to crumble. He looked as if she had hit him, like the words were a physical blow. 

“But I want to be that,” Nesta added quickly, reaching towards him to grab at a sleeve, a hand, anything so he wouldn’t leave. He  _ couldn’t  _ leave, not yet. He had to hear her out,  _ had to. _ “ _ Better.  _ I want to be better for you.”

Cassian stood rigid in front of her, a honed warrior, neverending strength holding his shoulders up high. A thousand emotions passed over his face in that one moment and Nesta held her breath in anticipation and fear threatened to overwhelm her, “And what makes you think I want  _ you?” _

The words should have hurt but they didn’t. Nesta saw through them like they were nothing, she saw them as the armour they were. Cassian didn’t believe her or was expecting her to say it was all a joke and laugh in his face. And maybe at one point she would have, she would have balked from the things she felt for him and hidden behind careless remarks. But no more, a smile flooded Nesta’s face and the sight of him standing before her warmed her heart.

“You’ve wanted me since the moment we met, Commander.” Nesta said, biting her lip and raising an eyebrow his way. Her fingers brushed her cheeks, swiping at the tears that had leaked out of her eyes.

They stood there for a while, just staring at each other, eyes locked in battle. The heaviness of his gaze sent her heart and mind in a tailspin. He had to say something,  _ anything  _ to let her know what he was thinking. But instead he just stood there and  _ looked  _ at her. Nesta felt her smile start to falter as her breathing picked up. Maybe she had been wrong, maybe he wouldn’t want anything to do with her. Maybe she was a fool to lay herself out there for him to reject. But she  _ wasn’t  _ a fool. She would have been a fool if she  _ hadn’t  _ said these things to him, if she had left everything raw between them. They would have spent an eternity with a distance growing between them. She had said her fill, she had laid herself out there. And maybe he would never want her as a lover, maybe he wouldn’t ever be able to trust her that way. But it didn’t matter to Nesta. She would take him as he would give himself to her. In  _ any  _ way. Whether it was friendship or just civility, she could go on as long as she could see his smile, hear his booming laugh.

“You can’t push me away,” He growled, “not again.”

Nesta nodded shyly, her heart racing and racing as she stood in front of him, waiting. Just  _ waiting  _ and  _ hoping.  _

“Do you mean it?” Cassian asked, his voice nearly a whisper as he continued to look at her with that warrior stare, sizing her up and watching every breath, every movement.

Nesta nodded again, unable to form worlds as she bit her lip nervously and stepped towards him, hoping he wouldn’t step away. Cassian let her get close, so close their bodies were almost flushed together. The heat of him radiated towards her and Nesta basked in the moment and how  _ close  _ he was. She was afraid,  _ terrified,  _ and her hands clenched into tight fists to stop their shaking. This moment would change everything, she  _ knew  _ it was a turning point, a start or end to their chapter.

Nesta flared her wings behind her. She didn’t know  _ why  _ but part of her body sang for her to do it, some unknown Illyrian instincts within her reacting to his closeness. Cassian’s wings snapped open wide behind him in response. Red bloomed across his cheeks and he was  _ blushing  _ and Nesta knew she could live in this moment forever. His eyes were rounded and impossibly wide as he took her in, his breathing heavy and loud in front of her. 

“I mean it with all that I am.” Nesta spoke, keeping her voice even and true. “I will make this right, I will prove myself to you, Cassian.  _ I will _ .”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did anyone catch that reference to my Like The Sun, We Rise. Elriel fic. In the dinner scene???  
> Hope you enjoyed. I’m kind of meh about this chapter but hope you still like!


	10. I’m Soaring

Cassian

 

His heart was flying, absolutely  _ soaring _ at the words that came out of her mouth and the conviction that placed her confidently before him. He hadn’t let himself imagine the relief and euphoria that accompanied her words. He hadn’t let himself consider this as a possibility. It couldn’t be true. It couldn’t be happening. Nesta wanted him and wanted to  _ fight  _ for him. 

For a moment it had seemed like a cruel joke, but she didn’t balk when he had spit harsh words at her. No, Nesta stood there pouring her heart out with a wicked smile on her face, like she had freed something tight in her chest. And as her smile dropped he could  _ feel  _ how genuine it all was and how she had quickly shifted to fear and worry. She wasn’t making fun of him with that smile, she was just trying to ease his worries. And Cassian couldn’t remember another time that she had smiled so freely. She was  _ trying  _ and he would hear her out, all of it.

Cassian wanted to guard his heart, he knew he was better off closing himself off from all feeling to protect from getting hurt. But  _ gods,  _ he couldn’t  _ stop  _ loving her and wanting to be around her. 

He did stop himself from wrapping her in his arms, not wanting to make any movements that would compromise this new precious peace between them. And Nesta stood before him, wings held high and tight behind her as she stared openly at him. She was stunning, absolutely radiant, like an unbearable weight had been lifted from her since dinnertime. And maybe it had. Maybe she had been bottling up those words so tight that just letting them out was a relief. Even if nothing had come of it.

Cassian had a bad habit of fleeing, of ignoring hard conversations and just leaving. He had almost done that tonight but she had stopped him, she had  _ forced  _ him to stay and just  _ listen.  _ She had taken a chance and laid it all out there and it had been marvelous. So why couldn’t he do the same?

Her wings flared out wide and proud and his did in response,  _ a claiming.  _ A part of them that lay deep inside of themselves that  _ knew  _ they were meant for each other. 

Finally his hand reached slowly towards her, not having to look to know where they stayed clasped at her waist. Her fingers were warm and delicate in his as he eased them apart to slip between his own calloused ones. Cassian didn’t take his eyes off of hers the entire time, too nervous to breathe and too afraid to look away in case this would all crumble to ash.

Nesta looked down at the hands they had clasped together and let out a small little ‘oh’. Her slight touch and excited gasp set him ablaze. This was where he was meant to be, here with her. He had never really felt like he belonged, not truly. Cassian had built a home and a life and found a family but it always seemed like something was missing. His life was a vase, broken pieces haphazardly thrown together to make something whole. But Nesta, Nesta was bright simmering gold that poured through those cracks to keep everything together and make it shine.

“Will you train me?”

The soft words out of her lips startled him and he could feel his own eyes grow wide. Cassian should have expected the question but he didn’t. He didn’t know what he wanted from her or what he would  _ get.  _ But this could be the first step, the first move towards some sense of normality. He could train her and make her strong and see her  _ fly.  _

“I-I mean. Only if you want to, of course.” Nesta rambled, the words spilling out of her quickly as she pulled her hand from his. “I can ask Azriel or Feyre if you don’t want to because I understand that you wouldn’t—”

Cassian reached out and grabbed Nesta’s hand again, she couldn’t pull away from him, not this time.

“I can ask the others but I want it to be you, Cassian.” She swallowed visibly, her nerves sparking through her like electricity. “It should be you.”

“We start tomorrow.”

The words were simple, the decision even simpler. He would train her,  _ of course  _ he would train her. But Cassian had let her ramble, had let her continue talking to hear the sweet words escape her mouth.  _ It should be you.  _ They radiated through him, setting him on fire, making the bond thrum in pleasure. It would be him. He would work with her and be tough but patient. They would fight and laugh and grow together.

And Cassian let the feeling overwhelm him, let himself think of that distant thought he had stored away. The two of them, high above Velaris with their wings flapping wildly, smiling like the fools they were.

“How are- How are you feeling?” Cassian asked, peeking over her shoulder at her wings that hung heavy behind her.

“Good! I mean not _ that  _ good but better. Definitely better.”

Cassian nodded at that, letting a friendly smirk play on his lips, “You may hold my heart but don’t think I’ll go easy on you, Archeron.”

Nesta looked startled at the casual way he spoke his feelings for her, but a wicked grin quickly replaced the shock on her face. “You better not.”

She loved this, he could tell. And Cassian loved it to. This rapport they had together, picking at each other, every word a battle of its own. His body hummed in response to it, things were starting to fall into place. They would never be the same as they were before. Things between them would be new, better.

Crickets chirped around them and the moon hung heavy in the sky but Nesta was all he could see. She was the only things in his universe in that moment. Cassian didn’t want this moment to end, didn’t want to part ways in case this was all a crazy dream.

So they stood there in silence, hands still entwined as they took each other in, drank in the feeling of just being in this moment  _ together, here. _

“Let me fly you home,” Cassian whispered, letting her hands drop from his as he shook his wings out slightly and pulled them in tight.

Nesta hesitated, looking at him with her calculating stare, like she could see straight into his soul. Maybe he had gone to far, maybe she wasn’t ready for that kind of closeness.

“We could walk if you didn’t want to—”

“You’d fly me home?” Nesta interrupted, a twinge of excitement buried in her voice.

He nodded,  _ of course he would.  _

“Okay.”

Cassian reached out for her, his wings poised to take to the skies. She reached to grab hold of him but them suddenly stopped herself, her breathing accelerating by the second.

“Wait,” She said, her eyes burrowing into his soul with determination. Cassian let his hands drop as he stood still as a stone, unsure if she was about to run. Was she regretting this? Could she only take so much and now it was over?

Nesta wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling his face down towards hers. Her forehead rested against his as she pulled him close, his arms wrapping around her torso and under her wings automatically. His whole body was electrified, having her here in his arms even just for a second. All he could feel, think about, smell was pure bliss and comfort. They sang for each other, two broken halves of a whole.

“I’m so sorry.” Nesta whispered, her hot breath brushing against the side of his mouth. “For all I’ve said, for how I’ve hurt you.”

“I forgive you, Nesta.” He responded, the words rushing out of him. And he  _ meant  _ it, he felt the sincerity of the words deep in his soul the second they crossed his lips. “I always will.”

She nodded slightly against his neck and Cassian swore he felt the hot trail of a single tear run down her cheek onto his shoulder. He pulled her completely into his arms and beat his wings, pushing up into the deep night sky.

 

—

 

Cassian could barely sleep. As he flew Nesta home, her warmth and scent buried deep into his soul, all he could think about was what she said at dinner.  _ And to fly with an Illyrian, you feel powerful as well.  _ The words made him feel invincible. He had thought her to be facetious but she had meant it. Had said the words in truth and had blushed when she laid eyes on him. She thought him powerful and it made him shine with excitement.

But did she not see how powerful  _ she  _ was? And now with her wings, she could be invincible. She had grown so much stronger in the week that he didn’t see her, what would she be like after they trained?

Cassian was intoxicated by the thought of her, of everything that had happened. Energy hummed through his body and his siphons flared with power. The pure joy and excitement he felt was unlike anything he had ever experienced before. The mating bond buried deep in his chest hummed in a sweet purr.

After some tossing and turning in his bed, Cassian had taken to the skies a little past midnight, riding the twisting current that came off the surrounding sea. He had flipped and somersaulted through the sky with an excitement he hadn’t felt in decades. He watched Velaris soar by below him as he basked in the bright night sky.

Cassian knew he was a fool to let it all go so easily, to turn on a dime to her every wish and will but he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t help but be pulled into her magnetic orbit. It would be different this time, it had to be. They just had to  _ talk  _ about things and they could do this. If they could just be  _ honest  _ with each other, they could  _ do  _ this. They  _ would _ . 

And now, they’d be able to fly together,  _ forever.  _ Cassian had never imagined it, a future with a winged female, let alone a  _ mate.  _ He had brief affairs over the years with female Illyrians, but never any whose wings hadn’t been clipped or broken beyond repair. Never had he been with someone he could  _ fly  _ with,  _ next to.  _ And now, with  _ Nesta,  _ he could have that.  _ All of it. _

He had been drowning in his own thoughts the past few days, unable to get past the wretched self loathing that  constantly flooded his mind. But it had been in vain, it  _ always  _ was, but that never stopped him from feeling those things. He  _ knew  _ he had people who loved him and that he was  _ worthy  _ of it all but it never stopped the dark thoughts that loved to flood his mind. He could get through this,  _ she  _ could get him through this. He just needed her  _ there _ to help chase away all his doubts and fears. He just had to keep her here with him.

Cassian was still pacing once the sun had risen, his mind doing laps around and around until he was sure he would never be exhausted. They hadn’t decided on a time to meet for training today and nerves fizzled through his body. What if she wouldn’t meet with him? What if it all really  _ was  _ some elaborate joke she had played on him?

Cassian shook away the thoughts, he wouldn’t let his mind go there, not again. He should have just  _ talked  _ to her that first day, she had tried to in her apartment and again at that first dinner. But he had projected his own insecurities onto her, he had  _ decided _ that she would want nothing to do with him and that she would be nothing but cruel. But  _ he  _ had been the cruel one, he had pushed her away and let her think  _ he  _ wanted nothing to do with  _ her. _

Cassian’s hands bunched in fists as he headed for his room to change into his fighting leathers. It was over, it had happened and he couldn’t take it back. They just had to move forward from here. Start again. And things  _ seemed  _ better than they ever had before. Maybe it had been necessary. Maybe fate had thrown miscommunication at them to show them how lost they both felt without each other, how the absence of the other felt like a gaping wound.

He gathered up his things and flew towards Nesta’s place. He would go get her to train, he wouldn’t wait around his apartment and brood. Their future, or whatever it was, would start today, start  _ now. _

The crisp, morning air surrounded him, filling his lungs with a feeling of lightness. It was always refreshing for him to take to the skies, to feel the power and force in his wings. Her apartment building came into view quickly and Cassian touched down on the sidewalk in front of it with a loud thump.

He hadn’t been here since that fated day, the day he had stormed off without being able to look at her, without even acknowledging the pain and fear she must have been stewing in. Cassian pushed the thoughts from his mind, he wouldn’t do this,  _ not  _ now. He wouldn’t let himself drown in self loathing, It was done with, they couldn’t ever go back, no matter how much he wanted to. They had started to resolve things, and he just needed to  _ trust  _ that things would work out in their own way.

The stairs up to her apartment creaked slightly under his heavy footfalls and he hesitated in front of her door for a second before knocking lightly. There was no answer. He knocked again, a little louder but there was no answer. Doubts flooded his mind but Cassian fought to push them away. Not  _ now. _

Cassian bounced on his heels for a second before he tried the handle and it turned easily, allowing him to push his way into the dark studio apartment. Nesta’s bed lay straight ahead in the back corner of the large room and Cassian could see her sleeping form above the covers. He fought to stand his ground as he saw her there, stretched across the sheets with her wings flopped down around her. She looked so peaceful and  _ beautiful  _ and calm in a way that he had never seen her look while awake. Sun filtered through the small slats in the shades that hung in the window, illuminating her face in stripes of bright gold. Her skin looked warm and inviting and Cassian wanted nothing but to slide into that bed with her and hold her until the sun lowered back into the sky again.

Cassian had been too terrified to try to touch the bond yesterday, unsure if Nesta felt it or if it would scare her away as quickly as she had surrendered to him. She was a guardian of her feelings, locking them away so no one could see. Would she be able to cope with a bond that acted as a channel of feeling between them? Would she be able to surrender enough of herself to him to experience it?

But she was asleep, strewn lazily across the mattress, so Cassian dared a nudge at the bond that grew taut with her so close. He hadn’t gotten close to it in weeks, edging around it like an open wound that lay vulnerable in his gut. He could feel Nesta there at the other end of it, her presence like a warm furnace, sending a lance of heat directly into his heart. The feeling blew him away, all the air escaping his lungs. He had been aware of it, aware of how  _ connected  _ they were, but to be here with her and to really  _ feel  _ her soul tethered to him. He felt complete in a way he hadn’t in a long time, like all his questions were answered. It was a feeling of pure contentment.

And Nesta lay there, relaxed and beautiful and completely surrendered to her true self in sleep. Cassian tugged at the bond again to feel that warmth just one more time before she woke up. Nesta moved in response, twisting slightly in the bed, her hands reaching up to clasp at her chest as a wide smile grew on her face. 

If Cassian could keep a single moment locked into his heart and his mind for eternity, it would have been that moment. Seeing Nesta curl into the sensation of the bond with a  _ smile _ on her face, it was pure bliss in his heart.

And he reached out to see if it he could feel anything more from her end of the bond, hesitating at first. It felt like an invasion, like he was a daemati slipping into her mind without permission. He felt it though, a tight web of feelings and thoughts so intense it made him stagger back against the door frame. Fear, shame, hope, love all jumbled together, pulsing in angry waves. The sensations were so familiar to him that Cassian felt like he was reaching into his own soul. 

Her fears reflected his, her shame was his own, and no matter what, she lived with a sense of love and hope in her heart. Cassian stood in awe, utterly frozen in her front door. It made so much sense, but he hadn’t even let himself consider it. Of  _ course  _ she felt these things that he felt so powerfully. She was his mate.  _ His kindred spirit. _

Cassian glimpsed at her once again, not allowing himself to move closer to her in fear of what he would do. Afraid of not being able to stop himself from reaching for her, or crossing a line he wouldn’t ever be able to back away from. Once he had looked his fill, Cassian backed silently out of the apartment, closing her door as gingerly as he could.

He took a few deep breaths, centering himself before bringing up a fist to knock on the large wooden door. He pounded a loud rhythm, hoping she would hear him so he wouldn’t have to go in there and wake her up himself. He knocked again, saying her name as it ricocheted through his soul.  _ Nesta. _

Cassian heard soft footfalls heading towards the door before it swung open a crack to show a sleepy eyed Nesta. She squinted up at him and cocked her head a little bit as a small smile played on her lips.

“Hey,” she whispered, her mouth popping open in a small yawn as her wings fluttered behind her, “are you okay? What are you doing here?”

Cassian gulped down the lump that flooded his throat, opening his mouth slightly to reply and then snapping it closed when no words would form. 

“I— We— You—” He stuttered, looking down at her sleepy eyes as she stretched her arms high above her head. Nesta eyed his flustered face and Cassian swore his cheeks burned bright red, her small smile growing bigger as she took him in. 

And even though Cassian didn’t sleep a wink that night, standing there with her, he could have sworn he was dreaming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading! I’ve felt kind of lost with this fic recently. I feel like I’m not doing the characters justice and that my Nesta is very far from cannon. I considered not finishing this fic for a while but I realized today I need to just keep trucking and pushing through and hoping that i will eventually get it to the place i want it to be.  
> I’m happier with this chapter and excited to keep going but also SO GLAD for all the people leaving kudos and nice comments and making me feel like its worth continuing!  
> Thank you again for reading! I WILL be continuing this so don’t stop reading <3


	11. On Love’s Light Wings

Nesta

 

Nesta’s first instinct was the bark at him, shoot him a harsh look and slam the door shut in his face.  _ What  _ was he doing here so early in the damn morning? But the second she peeked her head around the open door she let the small smile she felt deep in her heart onto her face. For  _ him  _ she would let her soft side show, just for him.

“Hey, are you okay? What are you doing here?”

Cassian looked flustered and fumbled for words even though he was the one who had come  _ here  _ to her apartment. She smiled up at him, blinking the sleep from her eyes and lifting her arms up to stretch her muscles and ease the ache in her sore shoulder muscles.

“I—“ Cassian stumbled, scratching the back of his neck with a hand, “We— You—”

_ Of course.  _ He had agreed to train her, no matter how much her mind had screamed that he wouldn’t. Nesta let Cassian fumble for the words as she stood there watching him. He was a sight to see, large and powerful and  _ gorgeous.  _ And he was  _ here  _ at her front door to start training her, to help her  _ fly.  _ And they had  _ talked  _ last night and made things as right as they could.

He had flown her home, her small body and large wings tucked in close by his strong muscled arms. It was amazing, flying high with  _ him,  _ in his arms. The relief that had coursed through her body was euphoric. All of her fears and doubts had never let her imagine a possibility that he would be so willing to  _ forgive  _ her. But Nesta should have known and she had gone to sleep cursing herself, Cassian was kind and compassionate and  _ hurt.  _

And seeing him here, stumbling for words, Nesta felt herself falling and falling hard. He had always been so sure of himself, to the point that it had pissed her off on many occasions. When they would bicker, he always seemed to know just what to say and when to say it. But here he was, on her doorstep, second guessing himself.

“Let me get changed.” She interjected, stopping his muttering as he took her in with wide eyes.

“I brought you something.”

He held out a bundle of clothes and Nesta recognized the Illyrian leathers as he passed them to her. She had worn them a few times, had almost died with them on during the war, with him. The sight of them made her falter for a second, it was all too real, all her past coming back at her like a tidal wave.

Cassian caught her hesitation and gave her a timid smile. “They’re new ones I had made to fit your wings.”

Nesta blushed instantly, feeling like her throat was about to close up. It was a touching gesture and it made Nesta want to cry.

“Well,  _ I _ didn’t have them made, Azriel did.” Cassian grumbled, his cheeks turning a slight pink to match hers.  “I guess after you got wings he had them made in case you ever wanted to train with one of us. I found them at my place last night.”

“Let me guess, Elain was in on it too?”

“Probably.” Cassian peered at her, hesitation glazing over his every move. It was like he was waiting for her to run, to slam the door in his face. She was a fool, a stupid fool. She had been so harsh to him for so long and he hadn’t deserved it,  _ any  _ of it. And  _ she  _ didn’t deserve to have him here in front of her.

“Busybodies.” Cassian grumbled, releasing the leathers into her grasp and scratching the back of his neck.

Nesta reached over to place the clothes on a table next to her door, freeing up her hands to take his. His hands dwarfed hers and Nesta revelled in the feeling of his rough, calloused hands in hers. “I’m glad they were. I should have talked to you earlier—”

“No, you tried. I—”

“No, Cassian. I’m really glad you’re here. I’ll be just a minute.”

Nesta slipped her door closed and pulled the leathers close to her chest. Her heart was beating a million miles a minute. She could do this, she could be  _ here  _ with him and show him the love and kindness he deserved. She  _ had  _ to, she  _ owed  _ it to him to push herself out of her comfort zone to be what he  _ deserved.  _ It was what she had promised the night before, but it didn’t stop her hands from shaking. It didn’t stop her entire body from clamping up in panic at his presence.

Nesta braced herself and padded over her bed. Her wings were less sore now, hanging delicately behind her like heavy sails, but she still hadn’t mastered how to dress around them. As she inspected the garment, Nesta saw that there were clasps that hooked around her wings, keeping the material tight to her body. Elain _must_ have been involved in this because the pants fit her like a glove. Nesta pulled on the top, adjusting the straps on the arms until they fit snuggly. The clasps on the back were another issue, she couldn’t reach them. Nesta twisted and turned every which way and could _not_ get her arms to move in the right direction to close the clasps. She groaned and huffed, wanting to cry from the frustration of feeling so _utterly_ _helpless._ Gods, she couldn’t even put on a damn shirt, how was she going to learn how to fight and fly. 

Nesta could feel Cassian hovering outside, his feet starting to pace faster and faster the more frustrated she was. It was like he could feel everything that was coursing through her body and it unsettled him. 

She gave up and padded over to the door, pulling it open a tiny bit so she could peek her head out. Cassian startled and turned towards her quickly, his eyes wide and his cheeks bright pink.

“Could you help, with the—” She gestured behind herself at the hanging fabric around her wings.

Cassian nodded silently, and she turned to face away from him. He got closer to her, his body heat radiating through the air to kiss the bare skin around her wings. His hands were light and careful, pulling at the fabric and clasps and avoiding her hot, burning skin. She felt like she was on fire, alight by just the sensation of him being so close, his hands a breath away from her wings. Nesta knew she was beet red, and could guess that the male standing behind her was as well.

It only took him a second but it felt like a million years, her breathing had become heavy and her entire body seemed to tingle with anticipation. Nesta had never felt anything like it, had never felt so electric and so alive.

Cassian stepped away and took a deep breath. Nesta felt it echo in her own breathing, felt his excitement and trepidation as strongly as if it was her own. She steeled her face into a calm grin and hoped her color had turned back to normal as she twisted around towards him. Closing the door behind her, Nesta followed Cassian down the stairs of her apartment building.

Neither of them talked for a few minutes, and it seemed like neither of them knew what to say. It had never been like this with him, so tense but so comfortable. They had always been spitting harsh words at each other or ignoring each other diligently. But this silence, it was different, it was charged. It reminded her of a distant memory, of an injured Cassian coming back from battle, of him letting her wrap his hand. Of the deep unending connection she felt as she stared into his eyes in complete silence.

“Were you hurt?” Nesta asked, breaking the silence as her thoughts flitted to the day she pushed him off that damn roof. What an idiot she had been, when she could have seriously hurt him.

Cassian seemed to stumble a bit, “What?”

“That day that I pushed you off the roof. You weren’t injured, were you?”

“No, I was not  _ injured. _ ” He grumbled, his shoulders stiffening and his chin rising a fraction. “I  _ was  _ hurt.”

_ Of course,  _ what a stupid question. Here she was, taking their silent peace and ruining it once again. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have.”

“No, you shouldn’t have.”

Nesta huffed, following after him as he picked up his pace. Of course she had hurt him, maybe not physically. But she had pushed him away, in every sense that she could. “I won’t do it again.”

“That’d be nice.”

His voice was harsh and his words were clipped and Nesta knew that he didn’t believe her. Not yet. And she wouldn’t argue with him about it, no matter how much the small voice in her head told her to. No, she would prove it to him. She would let him in, she would push through all the hurt and the fear and prove to him that she could do this.  _ For him. For them. _

 

Cassian

 

_ Were you hurt?  _ Her words echoed through his mind as he stormed towards the House of Wind, knowing she was right on his heels. The streets were empty this early in the morning and the cold kiss of fresh air steadied him.

_ Were you hurt?  _ Of course he had been hurt, maybe not when she pushed him off the damn building. But by everything that happened after that, everything that led him to that moment. He had felt elated, had felt utterly alive with her this morning. His blood had thrummed and boiled being so close to her wings, carefully avoiding them as he fastened her leathers. Her  _ Illyrian leathers  _ which she looked absolutely breathtaking in.

But those words, the reminder of that stupid day made him feel cold. It made him feel completely hollow inside to revisit the pain and fear that had clouded his vision for the past few weeks. He had instantly become distant with her, replied harshly to her questions, but it was like he wasn’t even there. Like his body and his mouth had carried on the conversation while he floated a million miles away.

Nesta’s warm hand grabbed his, stopping him in his tracks. It centered him, grounded him back in his body and back on earth.

“I mean it Cassian. I won’t do it again.”

Pain lanced through her eyes and rocked his entire core. He nodded and took a deep breath.  She meant it, he knew she meant it, could feel it in his gut. And he had been ruining it, had been left utterly speechless by her before and now was the one pushing  _ her  _ away.

“Come on, let’s go.” Nesta urged, a small smile on her face as she continued down the winding city street. She didn’t let go of his hand though, kept a firm grasp on his fingers as they made their way across the city. He could have flown her there, could have taken her in his arms again and flown her up to the training ring. He would have to once they got close, but Cassian had been unable to find the words to ask her as they left her apartment.

He was enamored by her, completely entranced by the version of her that she was now letting him see. It scared him, terrified him. Maybe that was why his mind was fighting to push her away, why he so quickly turned to harsh words and closing her out when she brought up that day on the roof.

The thought made him want to bark out in laughter. Of course he did. He was just like  _ her.  _ Was just as quick to reply with snark and sass when faced with a difficult situation. They were  _ mates,  _ of course they had the same terrible habits and defense mechanisms. It was like neither of them knew what to do around the other, not knowing how to  _ talk  _ to each other and just be together in a positive way.

The House of Wind came into view and Cassian pulled Nesta to a stop, even though  _ she  _ was the one tugging  _ him  _ down the street. 

“We have to fly from here.”

“Please don’t be mad.”

Cassian closed his eyes at her pained words. He wasn’t  _ mad,  _ not really, just confused and hurt and excited and a million other emotions that he wasn’t used to feeling all at once. This was new for him, all of this with her was new and exciting and scary. “I’m not mad, Nesta. Just… hesitant.”

She nodded at that, still not letting go of his hand. Nesta was staring into his eyes, like she could see into his entire soul through his hazel eyes.

“We have to fly up from here.” Cassian added as Nesta balked at him. “I mean  _ I  _ need to fly us up there. You won’t be flying for a while.”

“Okay.” Nesta reached up to wrap her arms around his neck before he took off with them. It was difficult now, more difficult than it had been before she had gotten wings. Cassian wasn’t used to flying with someone who had wings themselves. He hesitated a moment and tried to readjust her so his arms were lower on her waist and under her wings. He felt his forearms brush against their leathery underside and a full body shiver shook through her.

“Sorry, uh, could you pull your wings in tight together.” Cassian grumbled, hoping she couldn’t see how embarrassed he was and could ignore the desire that surely flamed in his eyes.

“I was.” She gritted out, her face as flushed as his felt.

Cassian reached around her again, dipping his knees down lower so he could grab her lower around her hips. Nesta gripped his neck tightly with her forearms and buried his face in her shoulder. He took to the skies, pushing off from the ground and beating his wings wildly to get them both into the air. Nesta sucked in a surprised breath and tightened her hold on him. Before he could process what she was doing, Nesta reached a finger out and ran it along the top ridge of his left wing.

Fire raged through his body and mind as a small huff of breath pushed out of his lungs. Nesta responded with a light chuckle and he knew she was smiling widely.

“Fair’s fair.” She said into his ear, her voice sounding like a whisper in contrast to the loud wind that wrapped around them. Cassian shot up faster towards the training ground on the roof and ignored the dread that pooled in his stomach at the sight. This was where it had all started, where they had bickered and she had sprouted goddamned wings.

Cassian touched down on the roof, making sure Nesta found her footing before releasing her.

Nesta looked around and seemed to tense up, just as stuck in the memory as he was. Cassian had been here many times since that fated day but she hadn’t. And he wondered how much she thought about it, how much she regretted it,  _ if  _ she had regretted it. 

She ran a hand over the rough plaster of the low wall that skirted around the edge of the roof, lost in thoughts that he wished he could hear. He wondered how many doubts plagued her mind, what troubles she got lost in. 

“It’s weird to be back here.” Nesta said, turning to look at him over a shoulder. 

Her smile was tentative and Cassian hated the sight. It was like she thought he would hate her, like he wouldn’t accept anything of what she said if she didn’t say it with a smile on her face. He didn’t reply. Just let her talk, or think, or whatever she needed to do in this moment here with him.

“It was stupid of me, Cassian.” She grumbled, turning from him to look over the city that sat below them. “But I don’t regret it.”

Her words startled him. She didn’t  _ regret  _ it. The wings? The wings that he was sure she hated. Nesta turned to watch him and Cassian had no idea what emotions were swimming in her eyes, wanted to know what she felt but was still terrified of touching that bond that lay taut between them. 

“Why?”

“Its selfish but—” Nesta got closer to him.  _ So close.  _ Her wings hung behind her and gods he would  _ never  _ get sick of seeing her with  _ wings.  _ “—but I’m excited to fly, I’m excited to experience this.”

Her hand slipped into his and he was speechless. He had never expected this. To be here with her speaking so boldly and baring her feelings to him. Cassian had steeled himself to fight with her and bicker with her for the rest of eternity. But here she was, excited to fly, to experience it all  _ with him. _

“I’m excited to experience this  _ with you. _ ” Nesta said, echoing all of his inner thoughts and wishes and needs. She graced him with that same hesitant smile and it made his stomach drop out from beneath him.

Cassian lifted up a finger and ran it across her lips, ignoring the intense shiver that wracked her body. “Don’t do that.”

She tensed up, “Don’t do what?”

“Don’t smile like you’re being forced to. You don’t need to.”

Nesta huffed a laugh, lifting up her own finger and tracing it over his lips in the same way he did to her. A shiver wracked through his own body, making his heart pound wildly. 

“I want you to know I want to be here with you. I— I don’t know how to do this. I’m not good at this.” Nesta gestured around the roof, between the two of them.

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Let’s start at the beginning.”

“With us or the training?”

“Both?” Cassian laughed, scratching the back of his neck nervously. Nesta thought  _ she  _ didn’t know how to do this, well neither did  _ he. _ She was in her twenties,  _ he  _ had been alive for hundreds of years. But Nesta,  _ Nesta  _ made him feel like an amateur, like he couldn’t talk or move or do anything right. Things with her felt different, like it was all uncharted territory. 

“What have you been doing so far, training wise?” Cassian asked, leaving her side to circle around her, examining her wings and posture with a different set of eyes. He had to separate himself from her, become the Commander he was. He couldn’t let his emotions cloud his judgement, he had to do his best,  _ for her.  _

“Feyre had me flexing my wings every day, pulling them in and pushing them out. Twisting them. I tried to keep them held up at all times and when I got too weak to do that I would sit or lay down to avoid dragging them around.” Nesta listed, her posture improving as she talked. “I went up and down my stairs as much as I could, usually holding a book. She told me to strengthen my core but I didn’t know what to do for that really.”

“All right, we can work on that too. Have you tried to fly?”

“No. Just that time at the manor when—”

_ Of course. Fucking bastard he was.  _ Nesta’s words dropped away as Cassian turned from her and bunched his fists. He had been such an idiot storming out of there like that. And she had tried to follow him and hurt herself in the process.

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have—”

“No, Nesta.” Cassian grumbled, of course she would blame it on herself. Of course she would apologize for the times  _ he  _ hurt  _ her. “ _ I shouldn’t have run, it was my fault you got hurt. _ ” _

_ “No.”  _ Her hand found his and she tugged on them gently to get his attention. He couldn’t look at her, couldn’t get himself to look at her forgiving face when he felt like  _ this. _

Nesta reached up a hand to touch his jaw, pulling his face down so he had to look at her. Here she was, in front of him, being forgiving and kind and caring. It sent him on a whirlwind. This was all he had wanted but now here he was screwing it up and being an asshole to her. But he couldn’t help but feel like it was all his fault, like he was an eternal mess that would never be done cleaning up.

“Cassian.” She said when he finally looked into her eyes, fierce and blue and exciting. “None of it was your fault, Cassian.  _ None  _ of it. I did this, all of it. _ I  _ screwed it up while you were left to pick up the pieces.”

The words left him awestruck. It was everything he was feeling, but coming right out of her mouth. And Cassian swore it was a miracle that she was being so open with him. He knew it was hard for her to admit it. What was it about him? Why was he the one she was suddenly so open and willing with? Did she feel the bond that connected them so deeply?

“Nesta.” He whispered, parroting her words and hoping to reach into her soul. “None of it was your fault, Nesta.  _ None _ of it. I did this, all of this. _ I _ screwed it up while  _ you  _ were left to pick up the pieces.”

It wasn’t much, but it was what he could give her. He could share this with her, share the blame and the guilt and the fear and the hope. He would help her carry her burden. He would train her and grow with her and live a long and happy life with her. They would see the world from above, they would be honest with each other and fight and makeup. They would be friends and enemies and lovers and  _ everything  _ for each other.

They would be invincible and as long as she was at his side, he would let the wind take him away.


	12. The Electricity Between Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t believe it’s been two weeks since I posted a chapter! I’ve written two chapters and will post one tonight and one in the morning to make up for it! Hope you enjoy <3 thanks for reading and to everyone who comments:))))))

### 

Nesta

 

The sun was beating down and resting on them like a heavy blanket, coating Nesta’s neck and shoulders in a thick layer of sweat. Her heart was beating wildly and her head felt like it was going to explode with the pressure that thrummed through her entire body. She felt exhausted and sore and completely alive. It was like the energy surrounding her needed to be expelled and pushed to the limit for her to feel it coursing through her. It was a new sensation to be so invigorated with life and hope and excitement.

They had been training for a week, sweltering on the exposed rooftop ring, Nesta’s light skin shining a bright red from the sun that beat down on them day after day. They were going through what Cassian called “the basics” and Nesta couldn’t imagine the pure torture that was going to follow if the basics pushed her body the way they did.

She had become more and more used to the weight of her wings on her back as she held them tightly behind her. The dark surface of her wings absorbed the light, heating from the outside in the instant the sun peeked into the sky. The hot trail of sweat that rolled down her wings and onto her back felt like it could burn right through her skin. But it centered her, made her feel alive in a way that she could hardly explain.

Cassian had been running her ragged, pushing her past what she thought she could do and challenging her to ignore exhaustion and pain and all the doubts that flooded her mind.

She loved seeing him like this, in action, back to his cocky and arrogant self that Nesta never knew she adored so much. It had hurt her, pained her physically to see him so broken and exposed. She had done that, had pushed him from his usual comfortable demeanor into depression or heartache or whatever it was. And she would fix it, she would. Nesta would do whatever she needed to ensure he would never feel that again, and if he did, she would pull herself apart to show him the comfort and understanding he needed.

Cassian was a force of nature, a brilliant beacon of love and hope and determination and Nesta had been a fool to ignore it for so long. She knew it would be a long while before he fully trusted her with his heart and himself, but Nesta would do everything to earn his trust, to show him how much he meant to her. He challenged her to be better, to do better. It was exhilarating and more than she ever deserved.

Today they were running the laps around the length of the training ring and her wings had never felt so burdensome. Okay, it definitely had been worse those first few days, but this was a different sort of pain. This wasn’t a blinding pain, or a raging river of agony, no, it was a slow ache that ate her from inside out and Nesta knew she was going to have to face the dread of deep water to soak her wings tonight after this.

Cassian lagged behind her, always keeping a few feet behind her steady pace to make sure her wings were up and her form was good. Nesta could hear the thump thump of his heavy feet behind her and she matched her rhythm to him. Thump, breathe in, thump thump, breathe out. 

Nesta sucked in the muggy hot air and pushed out even warmer breaths in return. There was no bristle of wind to give her relief from the heat and this was definitely their worst day so far. But it wasn’t enough, it wouldn’t be enough until she flew. She would push herself harder than she ever had, to have  _ this. _ All of it.

Cassian’s footsteps sped up and Nesta’s breath caught in her throat, thrown off by the change in pace. Before she could push herself faster, Cassian rounded in front of her to cut into her path. He looked fucking perfect and Nesta couldn’t believe he was actually here with her.

His bronzed face was dripping with fat beads of sweat and his hair clung desperately to his slick forehead. His hazel eyes were alight and Nesta would never get enough of seeing him like this, excited and beautiful and happy.

A wide grin was stretched across his face as she stopped quickly in front of him, her wings slapping the back of her head when she forgot to keep them tight behind her. 

“A. Little. Warning. Next. Time.” Nesta’s breaths were coming fast and hard and she bent over to grip her knees as she forced the words out.

“Maybe.”

“Is that. Necessary.”

Cassian just shrugged, a smug grin on his face as he looked down at her with his arms slung across his chest. 

And as much as Nesta didn’t want to get annoyed with him, the sight pissed her off so she let a growl slip out of her mouth. He deserved it, and apparently found it endearing as his smile grew even bigger at her response.

“Oh, sweet Nesta. There you are.”

“Are we done?”

“Do you feel like you’re ready to call it a day?”

Nesta groaned at that, of course she was exhausted but he always guilted her into pushing farther and working harder by giving her the  _ choice.  _  She had never had choices like this, was often told what to do and when to do it. She had been limited and underestimated her entire life, so the liberation coursed through her like a bolt of electricity every time he did this. No, she wasn’t ready to call it a day. She could push herself a little further at least.

Nesta shook her head no and poised herself to start running again when he shook his head at her. 

“Have you been doing the wing exercises that I gave you?”

“Of course.”

She had, spending most nights stretching her wings as far as she could in her small studio apartment. She needed to build muscle, to get used to the tug and pull of her wings snapping in and out, to lessen the ache that plagued her as she held her wings high and tight every day.

They moved to the shaded side of the roof, grabbing the water skins they had brought up this morning. Nesta drank deeply, watching his throat bob out of the corner of her eye. She swallowed loudly, sucking in a deep breath of air as her lungs fought to steady themselves after that long run. Cassian watched her as she fixed her eyes back on him. 

“Do you want to spar?” Cassian asked, “I know you haven’t done it much but before but it’ll help to test your center of gravity with the wings.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

Cassian rubbed the back of his neck and didn’t look at her, the same thing he always did when he was uncomfortable or felt like he was crossing a line. What was he worried about? It wasn’t like he would hurt her. She trusted him that he wouldn’t and she sure as shit couldn’t hurt him. He was almost twice her size, towering over her slightly.

“Okay.” She smiled, hoping to ensure him that it would be fine, that she would be fine.

They had to do this, she had to prove to him that she was tough and that she could take whatever he gave her and go with it. They couldn’t dance around each other forever, afraid to touch or to  _ feel. _

“Where do we start?” She asked, hands on her hips and eyes narrowing at him.

“I don’t know if you can handle it.”

Cassian stood there with his hands on his hips to mimic her and an eyebrow quirked in a cocky look that screamed at her,  _ just try me.  _ It made her blood boil, in the best way. Battling with him was always an adventure, it pulled excitement from her bones and sent it barreling into her heart. 

His confident stance and infuriating gaze made her want to knock some sense into him and knock him off his damn feet. The cocky oaf.

Nesta lunged at him, misjudging the distance between them as she barreled into his chest with reckless abandon. Cassian’s arms wrapped around her as they both flew towards the ground. He hadn’t been prepared, unable to stop the momentum of her body as it connected with his. His wings and back took the brunt of the fall as he cushioned the landing for her. Before she could get a grip on what was happening, he flipped her onto her back.

Cassian pinned her to the ground, pushing down on her shoulders with enough pressure to keep her there but not enough to hurt her and her wings. And there he was, poised above her. A god of muscle and strength and compassion and Nesta felt the breath knocked out of her for a million different reasons. He was exquisite.

Cassian’s breathing was heavy as he lingered over her, his hot breaths brushing her sweaty face like a soft caress. They were caught in each other’s eyes, stuck in each other gaze while his angry features started to soften into a grin.

Nesta flipped him, pushing on his left shoulder while pushing off the ground with her wings until she was straddling him. It had been too easy and Nesta knew that he had let her overpower him. She never would have been able to wrestle so easily with him if he had been giving his all. And it pissed her off, it made her  _ mad  _ that he would go so easy on her. He was supposed to pushing her, not coddling her and her stupid weak wings. She growled at him, her body poised over his, her strong thighs pushing into his lean middle. Cassian’s gaze softened further as he looked up at her, his jaw unclenched and all of his features seemed to relax under her gaze. And there he was, looking at her like  _ that.  _ Like she was all her could ever need, and everything he could ever have. And it ate away at her, made her sick and happy and queasy and elated all at the same time. Neither of them belonged to anyone but themselves, but in this moment Nesta felt it. He was hers, forever, for as long as they could, for now.

And she was so consumed in his wonderful eyes, his lively bright hazel eyes, that she didn’t see him lift a hand up beside her but there it was, advancing up past her face towards her wings. 

The smallest trail of his finger on her leathery wings had her electrified, completely buzzing with passion and pleasure and ecstasy. A moan slipped out of Nesta’s mouth at the touch and she immediately went beet red. This wasn’t happening, not here and now.

Her breath got caught in her throat as she tried to get a handle on what was happening, who she was, what way was up. Her entire body melted at his touch before she reigned control again and pushed him away.

She fumbled off of him as his eyes grew wide in panic and Nesta knew her own expression matched his. He opened his mouth to say something, anything, but she stumbled back, tripping over her own feet and halting the words in his mouth.

“ _ Nesta _ ,” He whispered, reaching for her as his voice bit into her mind, her soul.

She was mortified, absolutely fuming and embarassed and overcome with a cacophony of different emotions as they bounced through her skull. Isn’t this what she wanted? Him? But could she do this? Could she handle being vulnerable with him? Hadn’t she already bared her soul to him and relished in the euphoria of his forgiveness?

But this felt different, this felt like a line that she thought she would never be able to cross with him. Her body hummed in response to his light touch and she felt like there was an unbreakable rope tugging her back in his direction.

Her feet carried her towards the door as she stumbled to get out of there, away from him and the things she was feeling. Her eyes never left his and as she left, as her body and mind carried her out of there while her heart screamed to stop, Nesta knew she was making a mistake.

Wasn’t this what she vowed to not do? Hadn’t she promised to not go, to not ice him out?

She rushed down the stairs, her feet picking up speed as she spiraled down the never ending staircase into the house and down to the street below.

It was all so familiar, hadn’t she done this exact same thing when she had first gotten wings? It had messed everything up inexplicably and now here she was doing it all again. Nesta felt like she was doomed to repeat history forever, and to keep making the same mistakes over and over again. Was this her eternity? Her entire future on repeat again and again. 

But this was different. This wasn’t dread that she was running from, this wasn’t a fight that she was fleeing from. This feeling was different, completely alien to her in a way that made her feel like she could jump out of her skin. 

A light graze of his finger left her  _ moaning _ and her head spinning and she couldn’t handle how right it felt in that moment.

Even though she was exhausted, Nesta ran home like Bryaxis was snapping at her heels. She would think about this later, pick through the various emotions when she was in the confines of her own dark apartment.

The door slammed shut behind her and Nesta found herself slumping against it, completely breathless and exhausted and turned on from the thought of him hovering over her and her body pressing down on his. His featherlight touch on her wings, like she was the most delicate and strong being to ever exist.

It was him.

Cassian.

That was supposed to make it easier, that was supposed to make it better. But it scared her. She wanted him, all of him. But could she handle it? Did she deserve it? Could she face him again after this? She had never let someone in like this. It was terrifying, horrifying to think of herself that way in someone else’s presence. Someone seeing her at her weakest and most vulnerable. But it was Cassian. Her Cassian, who was gentle and kind and loving in a million ways that she couldn’t even count. She could be _that_ with _him._

Nesta had made a habit of accompanying the others to dinners at the House of Wind or at Rhys’ and Feyre’s new manor, and was expected to be there tonight as well. But she wouldn’t go, would she? She knew she couldn’t avoid him forever but she could avoid him for today.

As her core thrummed with pleasure and agony at the memory of his touch, Nesta felt an urge to see him, to be with him. To hold him tighter than she ever had before and never let him go.

And Nesta was strong and invincible and growing stronger everyday. She would do it, she would go to dinner. She wouldn’t hide, wouldn’t flee. Well, not again. Nesta could face him, she see him tonight, _gladly_.  She could do it. She wanted this, wanted a future with him. Wanted to see him and be with him and not ice him out.

It had all just taken her by surprise, had shocked her in how much she felt from so little. She had never imagined it could be like that. She never imagined such pleasure and emotion could fill her from head to toe so quickly.

Nesta had always been a well of emotion, most of the time it was deep and sticky and full of fear and terror and hate and discomfort. But this, this was different. Cassian made her feel like an unending pit of sparkling water, of pleasure and comfort and hope and love.

And it was exhilarating. Scary but exhilarating. And she wanted to feel it again. She needed to feel it again.

So Nesta dragged herself into her bathing room, crossing over to the usually unused tub and pushing the rusty handle to the right so a stream of hot water funneled out of the spout. She didn’t need to submerge completely, just enough to soak her wings and wash the sticky sweat from her body.

So she steeled herself and dipped a toe into the hot water before stepping safely into the filling bathtub. She could do this, she would do this.

And it felt like a new beginning. Like the start of the something good.


	13. In Your Loving Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for checking out my story! I had such a fun time with this chapter and it made me realize how much I need to include the inner circle in this story more! It was super fun to write their banter and try to figure out their dynamic <3 hope you enjoy!

Cassian

He hadn’t meant to do it, hadn’t meant to cross that line and cause her to flee. But there she was, towering over him like the goddess that she was. Her wings hanging high behind her and casting a shadow over his form as her eyes flooded with a million different emotions that he couldn’t pinpoint but he wanted to memorize. He would, he would figure her out and know all of her eventually, if she let him. Her shoulders and bridge of her nose were a deep pink that made Cassian giddy. He loved the sight of her, always looking like she had a light blush washed across her face. Their long days in the sun reflecting on her skin like a warm kiss.

But here and now with her on top of him, her slightly muscled thighs clamping onto his sides like she could hold him there forever. He didn’t even know why he did it, it was like his own hand was out of his control and acting on autopilot. 

He just reached up and touched her wing, running a finger over the soft leathery material. Emotion ricocheted through his body, surging even brighter when a deep moan crawled out of her throat and into his ears.

It was the sweetest sound he had ever heard, it sang to him, to the bond, like a orchestra of feeling and passion. 

Her face turned a deep red and Cassian’s eyes grew wide. It was like his mind needed a moment to catch up to what his body and instinct were making him do. He had crossed a line that Illyrians weren’t supposed to cross, he had grazed her wing like it was nothing, like he owned her. It was a violation, a terrible violation and he instantly regretted it. 

Cassian opened his mouth but no words came out, what was he supposed to say, what was he supposed to do. Things had been so good between them and he was the idiot that screwed it up. She had been so open and caring with him, had let him in in ways that she hadn’t with anyone else and he misused her trust.

But when she growled at him, when she straddled his middle and growled in anger it was like a calling, like an awakening in his soul that screamed  _ go to her. _

Nesta stumbled back, her eyes wide and panicked and Cassian knew he had done it,  he had pushed them both back into the place they had just gotten out of. Regret flooded him like an ocean and he bit back a curse that lodged in his throat.

“Nesta.”

He croaked her name, it barely came out as a whisper as she stumbled away from him. His arm reached up to grab her but he was too late. Too late to catch her, to late to take it all back and fix it.

Nesta fled down the stairs and he let her, staying on the ground and groaning in anger. He had been so stupid, so utterly careless when he had reached up towards her hovering figure. He knew better, he knew he knew better. And the tug of the bond had been strong but he was trained enough to  _ not  _ give into his bodies inhibitions.

Cassian wanted to apologize, he needed to apologize. But he couldn’t go after her, not now. She wouldn’t want him following her to her apartment, she never did.

So he would give her time and hope that this would blow over. 

She wasn’t Illyrian and didn’t know the customs of his people, but that didn’t change the fact that he crossed a boundary by touching her wings without permission. What was wrong with him? Why did she turn him into this creature that could barely help himself? A male who could barely function in her presence?

They had spent the past week running and building core strength and going through the exercises that she would need to build muscle in all the right places to be able to fly.

To  _ fly.  _ He hoped he didn’t ruin that prospect. That was the end goal, wasn’t it? Not to be with her but to help her fly and to give her the option of a full future that maybe she would choose to spend with him. Had he wiped that option off the table?

Maybe Nesta would turn to Azriel or Rhys or Feyre for training from now on, not wanting to deal with his mess and lack of boundaries.

She had been mortified, he saw it in her face, felt it in the stiffening of her body before she pulled away from him. He was a goddamned fool. Cassian would have been better off grabbing her fucking boob. He felt ashamed and frustrated.

After giving her a head start, Cassian got up from the ground, brushing the dirt off of his leathers and shaking his wings to clear them of any debris. His wings ached slightly from the impact of him hitting the ground earlier, bearing both his weight and hers. While he had recovered fully from his wings being shredded by Hybern and the damage that had been done to them during the war, he still wasn’t at his full capacity. There were still days when his wings were sorer than usual and his heart hurt at the idea of them being permanently damaged, forever.

If it hadn’t been Nesta who had tackled him, Cassian would have flipped her to avoid the impact to his wings. But even though his were fragile, hers were even more so. And he saw the slight panic in her eyes as they started to fall and he knew he would take the impact for her. He would push his body to any limit, any amount of pain, to steal even an ounce of agony from her. He would do everything he could to help her and give her to freedom and relief she needed.

His fists were bunched in anger and glued to his side as he threw himself off the roof, catching the wind in his sore wings and heading over towards Rhys’ manor. He needed to get out of here, to talk to someone or do something to get his mind off of the absolute disaster this day had become. 

Feyre was sitting out on a patio in the western garden when Cassian touched down, spotting her instantly and barreling over to smother her in a hug.

“Cass!” Feyre screeched, knocking over her glass of water that say on the iron table beside her.

A low chuckle escaped his mouth, always loving the way she was so welcoming to his antics and brotherly love. She yelled at him, but he could hear the laughter in her voice as she scolded him.

“Ugh, Cass. You need to shower, you stink and you’re so damn sweaty.” Feyre groaned, still trapped between his arms, wiggling like she did when he annoyed her. “Dinner is soon, go wash up you tool.”

“Yeah yeah yeah.” Cassian huffed, unable to keep the wide smile off of his face. 

He loved her, absolutely adored her in a way he hadn’t adored anyone in a long time. She was a sister to him, a constant in their crazy and wild life. She was the piece that fit them all together, the part of the puzzle that they never knew was missing until she had been given to them and taken back away by Spring. 

She had brought his brother back, had resurrected him from the gloom and pain that life had afforded his closest friend. She had reached into his soul, into all of their souls, founded the brightest and most shining parts and ripped them out for everyone to see.

She peeled herself from his grasp, pinching her nose in jest as she backed away from his sweaty form.

“How did training go with Nes today?”

Cassian just harrumphed, apparently giving her enough answer as she laughed loudly and raised an eyebrow, “That well?”

He knew he was red, knew he was blushing by the shocked look she had on her face. Feyre’s mouth puckered into an excited ‘o’ as she looked him up and down, searching for any indication of what had gone down.

“I don’t think she will be coming to dinner tonight, sorry Feyre.”

“Oh so you pissed her off.”

“Not exactly.”

“Then what exactly?”

Cassian hesitated, rubbing the back of his neck, slick with sweat. He bit his lip and blew out a loud breath. Gods, he was so embarrassed. But maybe Feyre would understand. She had lived through mating with someone with wings, she understood the pure gravitational pull that it created.

“I might have- sort of-” Cassian mumbled, “touchedherwingandmadehermoanandsheranaway”

“You WHAT?”

Cassian’s head dropped into his hands as he dropped down into the seat that sat unoccupied across from her. Feyre lowered herself back into her chair and raised an astonished eyebrow in her direction.

“You heard me.” He grumbled, unable to meet her gaze.

“You touched her wing.” She repeated, a laugh caught on her lips. “And she moaned and ran away?”

“That about sums it up.”

“Gods, Cassian. Get a grip on yourself.” Feyre chuckled, crossing her arms in front of her. “Is the bond working you hard?”

Cassian huffed and got up, pushing the chair away and sending a playful glare in Feyre’s direction. She was making fun of him and he loved it, loved the ease that rested between them, that always hovered when she was around.

“I’m going to shower.”

“Yeah, and get your frustration out?” She replied, sticking her tongue out and making an obscene gesture with her hand.

Cassian groaned again, “You’re the worst.”

“But you love me!”

“Yeah yeah.” He mumbled, making his way from the garden into the wide sprawling hallway that led to various rooms and offices.

The room he sometimes occupied on the second floor, with sprawling views of the Sidra, was just as he left it the last time he was here. The shower was scalding hot, too hot in this sticky heat, but it calmed him. It centered him and allowed him to shake off the regret and tension that wracked his body that day.

When he got out of the bathing room, Cassian almost jumped out of his skin when he found Rhys and Azriel and Mor sitting expectantly on his bed. He instantly felt his face go red and he rolled his eyes at the three expectant faces that looked over at his approach. 

A barking laugh escaped Mor’s mouth as soon as she saw his face and Cassian didn’t know if it was possible to blush any harder. 

“Be nice to our darling Cass, Mor.” Rhys drawled, “The bond is running him ragged.”

“Need to stick it in someone, Cass?” Mor laughed.

“You guys are the worst.”

“I told them you’d be grumpy and horny.” Azriel stated, a small smile gracing his smug lips.

Cassian huffed and shuffled over the the dresser, pulling some pants and a loose tunic on over his still wet body. 

“Will we get a front row for the sexual tension at dinner?” Mor asked.

“I doubt she will come.” Azriel answered for him, casting a glance in his direction. Cassian nodded, rolling his eyes again at their incessant prying.

“Yeah! Because she’s already come once today.” Mor barked, laughing loudly at her own joke as the three of them groaned in annoyance.

“Really?” Cassian huffed. “You are making me feel so much better, guys.”

“So you are frustrated,” Mor giggled, “sexually!”

This got another groan from the group, Mor was a menace when she thought she could be funny. 

“What? Did Feyre come run and find you the second I told her? Damn! You’re all such busybodies.”

“She didn’t have to.” Rhys smiled, raising an eyebrow at him. “We used the bond. I mean, you could too.”

“Now, now.” Azriel chided Rhys, “Let’s not start talking about hiding bonds from mates. You won’t make out as well as you think.”

“Oh, they make out all the time.” Mor interjected, bursting into yet another fit of giggles.

“God, Mor.” Cassian huffed, “Are you drunk already?”

“No, she met someone!” Azriel chirped.

“Did not!” Mor’s face was red, really red. And Cassian expected she would be clamming up now. 

Cassian looked at the three of them on the bed and wanted to smile and cry at the same time. There they were, here with him. Whole and laughing and working everyday towards a happy future. “Come on. Let’s get to dinner before Amren and Feyre drink all the wine.”

Mor shot him a grateful smile as he changed the subject away from her love life and he shot back a look that said  _ you owe me one _ . 

They all headed down towards the first floor dining room, Azriel and Mor chattering excitedly as Cassian lagged behind them. Rhys kept sending him looks that screamed  _ I’m worried about you _ but Cassian just met each look with a warm smile. 

The three of them turned into the dining room as Azriel advanced towards the front door, probably planning on meeting Elain in the front garden to escort her to dinner. Cassian wanted to roll his eyes at his brother, but wasn’t he just as sucked into Nesta’s orbit as Azriel seemed to be with Elain.

They all took their seats around the table, settling back into a perfect rhythm since Amren was back from the Summer Court. No one had inquired with her about finding a solution for Nesta’s wings and Cassian didn’t want to push the matter. They had gotten to a point where she seemed happy and accepting of the wings. And the thought of them going away, well that twisted his gut into an unmanageable knot. 

Elain and Azriel glided into the room, taking two of the remaining seats, leaving only the one next to Cassian open. And damn, was he glad Nesta wouldn’t be here knocking elbows with him. The food was hot and warm and spicy and Cassian piled it onto his plate with gusto, especially after that long day in the training ring. 

Mor, Feyre and Amren fell into a lively debate as Cassian started to shovel his face, helplessly trying to ignore the moon eyes that Azriel and Elain were shooting each other. He was happy for Azriel, happy that he had found someone that seemed to mirror his affection. But when Az fell, he fell hard. And Cassian was glad he was there to catch him if anything went wrong.

Cassian looked up with a mouth full of food and almost choked on it when he saw Nesta hovering in the doorway, looking hesitantly at the only remaining empty seat. He coughed a few times, dislodging the chunk of vegetable from his throat and trying to conjure a kind smile for her.

Nesta’s eyes slid to him and then quickly moved away as bright red bloomed onto her face. If he wasn’t so mortified by his actions, he would have revelled in how impossibly stunning she looked with blushed cheeks and fumbled words.

“Sorry I’m late.” She mumbled, moving towards the empty seat next to him. 

Cassian wanted to close his eyes and soak in the sound of her voice. He wanted to rejoice at the sight of her, at the fact that she was here and she wasn’t avoiding him and he hadn’t completely botched it all. There was a sliver of hope pouring into his heart that she would forgive him, that maybe she would just pretend like it didn’t happen.

He would still apologize, of course, he had to apologize to her. To make it right.

She silently took her seat beside him and Cassian could feel everyone’s eyes on them.

“Well, you’re a sight for sore eyes.” Amren said, a smiling ghosting her deep red lips. 

“Amren,” Nesta replied, “I see you’ve returned from your romp with the summer prince.”

“Yeah yeah.” Amren waved a ring-laden hand, “Enough about me. You’ve got wings, I see.”

Cassian just continued to eat his food, staring at his plate and trying to avoid the daggers that Nesta was sending Amren’s way. 

“Wanted to fuck Cassian so bad you grew wings?” Amren smiled. ”I was pretty sure he had a hard on for you before that.”

“Amren!” Cassian barked, gripping tightly to his fork and wishing he could shoot it straight at her. “That’s enough.”

Nesta laid a hand on his upper arm. He could feel it through his shirt, like she was branding him with hot iron. Cassian looked at her finally, and she squeezed his arm lightly before leaning forward to look around him at Amren. “You missed quite an adventure, Amren. It’s time you catch up.”

Amren just grumbled and took a big swig of wine from the full goblet in front of her. Feyre sat beside her, wide eyed and staring at the hand that Nesta had placed on him. Nesta must have seen the glance because she quickly pulled her hand onto her lap.

Full body chills enveloped Cassian as her warm hand left him. He felt the absence of her touch like a deep winter frost. She had always been like the sun, a bright shining, burning ball of fire whose orbit he was trapped in. She centered him and left him uncentered. She made him feel confident but also made him question everything he did. She was everything good and bad and amazing and terrifying in this world. 

Cassian nudged her leg with his thigh under the table and murmured a quiet, “I’m sorry.”

He kept his eyes on his plate and didn’t make any grand statements or gestures. Not because he was ashamed of apologizing, but because he knew she would be mortified and potentially  _ more  _ mad if he had made a spectacle out of it. 

“Later.” She grunted, scooping a heaping portion of different dishes onto her plate.

Cassian just nodded in response, the dip of his head undetectable to those around him.

Rhys shot him a quizzical look and Mor smiled at him over her goblet of wine. Gods, they would be the death of him. His friends whom he adored to the ends of the earth who seemingly had no social boundaries.

Sometimes Cassian didn’t think he could navigate this  _ thing  _ with Nesta with them around, but he knew deep in his heart that he would be lost without them. They were the glue that kept him together in even the darkest of times.

Dinner flew by, consumed with idle conversation, lots of laughing and too much wine. Cassian tuned into Nesta’s voice whenever it graced his ears, her laugh boisterous and uninhibited. And he loved hearing her like that, hearing her let go and just be happy. Neither of them brought up the events of the day again and Cassian settled into the comfortable air that hung between them.

Mor was the first to get up from the table, signaling the end of the night. She seemed anxious to get to Rita’s and Cassian assumed it had something to do with the  _ someone  _ she met that Azriel had blabbed about.

Cassian knew the score. They would all except Nesta and Elain head to Rita’s to dance and drink the night away, the two Archeron sisters retreating to their own apartments or to spend time at Nesta’s. But he didn’t want to let her go, he had to talk to her to apologize but he wanted the night to go further than that. He wanted her to come with them that night to spend time with him and his family.  _ Her family.  _

It wasn’t the first time that he had wanted to invite her, but it was the first time that he thought maybe she would indulge him. He would watch her, would keep a keen eye on her to see if she was uncomfortable and wanted to leave. And he would be there for her, to take her out of the situation if it become too much for her.

But to imagine her there with them, enjoying herself, enjoying their company. It would be like more puzzle pieces were fitting together as they should.

Az and Elain parted ways from the group, leaving the foyer ahead of everyone else so Azriel could escort her back to her place before rounding back to meet everyone at Rita’s.

Feyre shot Cassian a look and ushered Rhys and Mor into her office, grumbling something about documents and ledgers.

That left Cassian and Nesta alone in the echoeing foyer after Amren stormed off back towards her isolated apartment. She wasn’t looking at him, but was looking up at the intricate ceilings above them instead. Cassian steeled his nerves, drinking in her peaceful demeanor and calm face as much as he could before the storm broke.

“Let me apologize.”

“You don’t need to-”

“But I want to, Nesta. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have-”

“No, it’s okay. I shouldn’t have left I-”

“It wasn’t okay, Nes. It was way out of line.” Cassian grumbled, ghosting a hand towards her, afraid to cross a line since he didn’t know where it was anymore.

“I shouldn’t have left. I’m sorry.” She insisted, raising a hand to stop him before he could interject again. “I was overwhelmed, I didn’t know how to handle myself.”

“It wasn’t your fault. I never should have touched your wings. That a line that shouldn’t be crossed. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“It’s okay, Cass. Really. I was just embarrassed.”

Relief coursed through him like a river and he knew he didn’t deserve her apology, any of it. But he would take it, he would be greedy and take every ounce of love and forgiveness she would afford him.

“You know sparring isn’t just tackling the shit out of someone, right?”

She scoffed at him, her eyes narrowing while a small smile still played on her beautiful lips, “I know!”

“Just making sure.” He said, raising his hands in mock surrender.

“You deserved it!”

“Probably.”

He couldn’t keep the smile off his face as he watched her. He loved this, the quiet moments like this that they stole together.

“Come to Rita’s with us.” Cassian said, his voice low as he took her hands in his. “Tonight. Now.”

“I don’t know-”

“Please.” He pushed, “Let me make it up to you.”

“I don’t think they would want me-”

“Yes, they would.” He interrupted, “And I want you there.”

Nesta just looked at him, really looked at him and didn’t break the stare. She gazed into his eyes like she could see all the answers there. And maybe she could. Sometimes he felt like if he stared at her long enough he could see the world in her eyes. She enraptured him, swept through his soul like a tidal wave. 

“Okay.”

A smile bloomed over his face at her answer.  _ Okay.  _ And he found himself nodding and grasping her hands even tighter in his.

“Okay.”

“You’re such a weirdo.”

“Okay.”

Nesta pulled from his grip, smacking him lightly on the shoulder before gesturing to the pack of his family that had left Feyre’s office and were already on their way to the bar. “Lead the way.”

And Cassian did. With Nesta right by his side.


	14. Dance to the Beat of My Heart

Cassian

 

Nesta was a force of nature, a storm always waiting on the horizon to break. She could be fierce as thunder and devastating as lightning. She could be as refreshing as rain and cold as a snowstorm. And watching her here now, Cassian thought she was a rainstorm, cool rain on a hot day, fat drops of water on a city that had just lasted through a drought. She brought joy and light and life to everything she touched and it was hypnotizing. She was a storm and she moved her body like a tornado, a swish of her hips and flutter of her wings as the music moved around her.

The bass beat through the building, making the dance floor shake slightly as a mass of bodies glided over it. Cassian stood back with Rhys and Azriel just watching, observing Feyre and Nesta and Mor twist and gyrate to the loud music. Rhys broke off from them and headed towards Feyre, their gazes on each other like magnets.

And Cassian knew he wouldn’t forget this night for a long while, because there Nesta was with a wide smile on her face as wine flowed and good mood hovered in the air like a sticky cloud. He never would have expected her to be here with him, not in a million years. And in all of his imagination, he wouldn’t have thought she would have such a great time. But he had felt the change in her, like some tight coil within her soul had unfurled as they strolled through the streets of Velaris. And Cassian could have sworn he heard her amp herself up under her breath as they neared the bar, chiding herself to let loose. To do this. 

They had lingered behind the group on the way here, comfortable in their loud silence together. Their hands had brushed slightly, sending lightning through his entire body and Cassian fought to stop himself from slipping his fingers into hers. And he wondered, would she have let him? Cassian almost cursed himself for not trying but the thought quickly floated away in the wind as he watched her there across the bar, spinning and smiling and laughing with reckless abandon. She was a force to be reckoned with, a joy so devastating bubbled into his heart and lungs as he watched her.

Cassian wanted to be there with her, next to her, holding her. But he wouldn’t push it. This was just the beginning, the first time they were out together. He could stop himself from screwing this up, from pushing too hard too fast. They had a long time to figure it out, to take it slow. He wouldn’t mess this up, he couldn’t lose her, lose this. So he would tamp down his instincts and let her take the reigns. It was what she wanted and needed and he would do everything to keep the peace between them.

Things were good, not just good, great. They were amazing. And Cassian finally felt like all the pieces were falling into place. 

They had bounced back from their awkward training session that morning faster than ever before. It was like a new door was opening for them. No longer were they shutting each other out, or hiding away. She had come to dinner when he had least expected her to and had said yes to spending the night with him. It was like he was dreaming, like it was all too good to be true. But it wasn’t. It was happening and he fought to slow time, to take in this moment for all it was worth.

Cassian was obviously being shit company because Azriel wandered off from his side without a word, heading towards the bar for another round of drinks. And Cassian let him, he wouldn’t leave his post. He wouldn’t stray from this spot where he could watch her completely. Cassian knew she could feel his eyes on her because she would glance his way every once in a while and turn a beautiful shade of red. He would never get used to it, seeing her there with her wings and her beautiful smile and her bright eyes looking his way.

He was trapped in her net, caught in the storm that she created in his life. And it was what he was made for, he was cut out for battle. And together, they would be a war. It didn’t scare him, no, it comforted him. Cassian could do this, he could take this part of his life and make it flourish. Maybe it would take a year, a decade, a century. It didn’t matter. He would figure it out, he would follow through and never abandon her. In the same way that she would never abandon him, the same way she  _ hadn’t  _ abandoned him when given the chance.

And he would never forget it, the time she laid down her life for him, the times she let down her guard to let him in. Cassian would cherish every moment they had together, and every one they had apart. He would make them strong and unbreakable.

Life and hope and fear coursed through him like a raging river, and he was at the drop-off, ready to jump off the cliff. Because he knew, at the bottom of the waterfall their was a pool, an oasis of happiness and warmth and togetherness.

Nesta’s eyes connected with him and she moved through the crowd to get to him. Cassian’s heart rate picked up as she neared him with a wide smile on her face. He was ready, ready for it all. They just had to jump. Together.

  
  


Nesta

 

Cassian was watching her with eyes of a hawk, his gaze tracking her every movement. And even across the bar, Nesta could feel the awe and adoration radiating from him with every second that passed. She could feel his excitement and astonishment through the bond that he didn’t think she was aware of. The rope that held them together, the part of fate that made her beyond lucky and utterly bewildered. This life had given her many things, most of them bad, a few of them good. But Cassian, he was everything good wrapped into a single package and he was  _ hers.  _ Hers for as long as she could get him to stay, and she would.

Nesta would tear herself apart, tooth and nail, to be what he needed her to be. And here, with him and his family and her sister she felt like her world was starting. Nesta had never let herself be free, to let loose. Everything had been protocol and strict rules and stolen chances, but this, this was hers. She had an eternity to do what she wanted, when she wanted, with who she wanted. And this. This was where she wanted to be. 

It had taken her a long time to realize it, too long. Nesta had watched them all bounding through life with positive attitudes and unrelenting smiles and she just  _ didn’t  _ understand why they could all be so light and free when she felt so heavy and trapped. It took too long for her to realize that their paths were similar, just that theirs had started hundreds of years ago.

All of them had been to hell and back, had struggled and hurt in more ways than Nesta could count, but they had come out the other side to see the brightness and light that this world had to offer. And she could too, with their help, with his help, she could be happy. She could.

It might take a long time to be alright, but Nesta wanted to get there. She would fight for a future with them.

The bass boomed around her, bringing the nightclub to life. Nesta wasn’t sure if it was her fae senses or just the hum of life around her but the beat wracked through her body like it was alive. She felt a buzz of adrenaline, a life force pumping into her with every beat of the song. And she let loose, she let herself feel it deep in her bones.

Nesta had scoffed at Rita’s since she got to the city, but being there in the middle of the crowd with Mor and Feyre, Nesta got it. She understood the pull of the music, the lightness that the alcohol helped her feel. Nesta felt invincible and beautiful and free and she knew that most of that came from the breathtaking Illyrian that watched her from the shadows of the bar. His eyes followed her like the needle of a compass, glued to her for tonight, for ever. 

Their eyes connected across the crowded dance floor and Nesta knew she could have watched him for hours. Her hands bunched at her side, her fingers dying to grasp onto him, to pull him close to her. His eyes lit up as he watched her, seeing the smile that she cast his way. This happiness she was feeling, it was his, all his. And every smile that would grace her face would be Cassian’s alone. 

Nesta had felt the hesitation in him as they walked side by side earlier and knew he would spend all night leaning against the wall just watching. But she wanted him here with her, pressed against her, tied together as one for tonight, for ever. He wouldn’t make the first move, not until he was sure it was what she wanted.

Nesta would do it, she would push herself out of her comfort zone so he knew he was wanted. So he knew he was needed by her. Before she could second guess it, Nesta wove through the crowd, leaving Mor and Feyre and Rhysand behind as she made her way towards Cassian. She could have found him with her eyes closed, their centers tied together by love and want and need.

Cassian stood up straighter as she neared him, his fists balled at his side. Was he nervous? What was he thinking? Nesta wanted to get into his mind, to see the inner workings and deep thoughts that plagued his soul. She wanted to see his heart and his dreams and everything good and bad about him. She wanted his fear and his happiness and his love and hate.

Nesta neared him without a word, her stomach jumping as the crowd around her jostled her wings, threatening to tear her off of the confident cloud she was walking on. Nesta bit her lip and reached out a hand to weave her fingers with his. His hand dwarfed hers and she reveled in the feeling of his warm, calloused digits enveloping hers. Cassian stared down at their intertwined fingers with a look that Nesta couldn’t place. She wanted to dive into that bond and see what tune his heart was beating but she let it go, let herself be immersed in the moment and  _ him. _

A smile bloomed on Cassian’s face as she dragged him towards the dance floor, never letting go of his hand. It was all too much and not enough. Was it really just that morning that they had been training and he had touched her wings? The thought made her turn red all over but she pushed it aside. This day was full of new experiences and feelings and she wanted to soak it up for all it was worth.

Tonight was what she wanted, what she needed from life. It was everything she wanted to give Cassian forever. 

They were going to have hard times, really hard times, but they would come back from it. It wouldn’t be easy, but Nesta didn’t want that, she wanted  _ him.  _

Nesta dragged Cassian to an emptier part of the dance floor. She needed to be with him, just him. The crowd could disappear around them as they lived in their own little world together. Nesta kept their hands clasped together as she halted and turned back towards Cassian, having to tilt her head up to stare into his eyes. They were so close together. As close as they had been this morning, and Nesta wanted nothing more than for him to reach over her shoulder and graze her wing again. She wanted the fire that raged in his eyes to match the fire in her soul. 

“Thank you.”

The words were simple and light as they soared out of her towards him. But it didn’t feel like enough. The two words paled in comparison to the feeling that stirred in her core. Cassian blinked down at Nesta, his eyes rounded slightly in surprise and Nesta fought the instinct to flinch at his surprise. She was happy, so happy being here with him right now. But it dug at her, the shock that would line his face every time she gave him a piece of kindness. Had she been so shut off? So terrible that he paled at the barest bits of love she gave him?

They were mates, Nesta was sure of it. But she didn’t know how it worked, was too nervous and embarrassed to ask about the inner workings of the mating bond. She didn’t have a clue about how it worked or what it felt like, how she could show him something? Would it give him a gateway to see everything that was inside of her? All the bad little bits that dragged her soul down.  Feyre and Rhysand could obviously communicate with theirs, their silent conversations both infuriating and enviable. But did she have to accept the bond with him to do that, to reach his mind through hers?

Her words hung in the air as Nesta tried to find every part of her soul that adored him, that complimented him, that was brought to life by Cassian’s presence. She pooled together her thoughts; the relief she felt every time he returned to her healed, the joy that cascaded through her every time that he laughed, the way her gut twisted when he smiled at her, how grateful she felt for him every moment of every day. Nesta took every bit of herself that she couldn’t put into words and pushed it towards him, squeezing the hand she grasped as their eyes stayed connected.

It was like everything around them fell away, the entire world was silent as Nesta felt her soul breach his. Cassian sucked in a loud gasp, his pupils dilating and contracting to pinpricks in a second.

Nesta couldn’t believe it, couldn’t describe the feeling of his love and warmth absorbing everything she sent his way. Tears blurred her vision as she stared into his bright eyes.

Cassian’s mouth moved silently, stumbling for words and coming up blank. Nesta just stared up at him in wonder, in adoration, with love and hope and fear and every single vulnerable part of her that she had been running from.

“ _ Nesta.”  _ Cassian’s deep voice rumbled through her, buzzing down the connection that arched between them. Nesta’s entire body hummed in response, her other hand reaching out to grab his, to feel more connected to him. She stepped forward, pushing closer to his front. 

Cassian’s eyes stayed glued to hers, not wavering, radiating love and adoration and Nesta could drown in it. It could sweep her away from land and envelope her completely. Cassian’s wings rustled slightly before sweeping around her, encasing her in his hold.

The smooth surface of his wings brushed against hers, which were held tightly behind her and Nesta felt her cheeks flame bright red. But all she could see was him, all she could feel was his heart bared in front of her and hers in front of him. Nesta felt safe, so safe and happy as his name dripped off her tongue.

“ _ Cassian. _ ”


End file.
